she's coming into your (my) world.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Mountains and milkshakes
Leaving the mountains to go to the sea, there is a point where you can see all of south carolina stretched in front of you. It fades into a blue foggy smoke in the distance, and you know that just beyond, lies the ocean.
things which are true:
1. i say "ooh la la" a lot. Today it got a funny look from a burger king employee as she handed me my small oreo cookie shake, during my mandatory gas-break in spartanburg, south carolina. On the drive from C-Town to A-ville, I need to stop for gas once - right before I reach the North Carolina border, as gas prices rise 20 cents upon re-entry. The shake, by the way, was both delicious and enormous. Next time i decide i need a shake, i'm totally going to tell them to fill HALF my quote-unquote small milkshake cup, which might make it easier to finish the whole thing.
2. south carolina is suprisingly warm, and so is north carolina. I feel vindicated by the weather, as if i've beaten the system. Ha ha!, i think. it's november and i'm in a short skirt with bare legs!
3. I'm happy to be back, north of the border. I have a to-do list THIS BIG, to accomplish asap, otherwise known as now.
TO DO:
buy couch
buy tv
organize kitchen
organize life
get dog (!!!)
...there are many exciting this to do. life is good.
things which are true:
1. i say "ooh la la" a lot. Today it got a funny look from a burger king employee as she handed me my small oreo cookie shake, during my mandatory gas-break in spartanburg, south carolina. On the drive from C-Town to A-ville, I need to stop for gas once - right before I reach the North Carolina border, as gas prices rise 20 cents upon re-entry. The shake, by the way, was both delicious and enormous. Next time i decide i need a shake, i'm totally going to tell them to fill HALF my quote-unquote small milkshake cup, which might make it easier to finish the whole thing.
2. south carolina is suprisingly warm, and so is north carolina. I feel vindicated by the weather, as if i've beaten the system. Ha ha!, i think. it's november and i'm in a short skirt with bare legs!
3. I'm happy to be back, north of the border. I have a to-do list THIS BIG, to accomplish asap, otherwise known as now.
TO DO:
buy couch
buy tv
organize kitchen
organize life
get dog (!!!)
...there are many exciting this to do. life is good.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
A Happy Post
Today was Continuation of Moving Day. I am almost done couch hopping//extended visiting//living with peeps, or at least i will be on sunday. Me being me, I like to punctuate all moves with a trip somewhere, so i will have a limbo weekend up in Chucktown Alley before "actually" moving into my apartment, in which i will (drumroll please):
-go to an artsy event, twice*
-fetch my drafting table (mostly for sewing now)
-enjoy a family EARLY thanksgiving, thanks to work , that i insisted on.
-stay in the big fluffy bed at La's house, and eat brownies, watch Mystery Science Theater, comment in books, and go to goodwill(s).
-see my favorite brother
Etcetera!
*this posed a problem at first, i knew of Event 1, but not Event 2, and so therefore had only planned one killer outfit. Frye-ish boots save the day!
AND THEN,
AFTER I GET BACK,
*******************
**********
*****
(i will get a dog!)
-go to an artsy event, twice*
-fetch my drafting table (mostly for sewing now)
-enjoy a family EARLY thanksgiving, thanks to work , that i insisted on.
-stay in the big fluffy bed at La's house, and eat brownies, watch Mystery Science Theater, comment in books, and go to goodwill(s).
-see my favorite brother
Etcetera!
*this posed a problem at first, i knew of Event 1, but not Event 2, and so therefore had only planned one killer outfit. Frye-ish boots save the day!
AND THEN,
AFTER I GET BACK,
*******************
**********
*****
(i will get a dog!)
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
So much update, so little motivation
It's been about six weeks (?) since i posted last - so much has happened but i never seemed to find words or the inclination to write about it. I let myself have that break, and i appreciated it.
It's been strange, and good, and comfortable, and lonely around here. I know it seems like an oxymoron, comfortable and lonely...but c'est la vie. This move was different from my other moves since college (to recap, Boston and Slovakia). This move did not fill me with excitement and trepidation, i was not filled with hope. If anything, I slunk away to North Carolina, to lick my wounds in peace. To find solace.
And so it began. I came here on a monday, my convertible only semi-full of suitcases, everything else safely in storage. And on tuesday, it rained. And it rained and rained and rained, until i joked about building an ark.
But instead i shined myself up real pretty, and i found a job cocktail waitressing in a fancy retreat serving fancy drinks to fancy people. At my job, i have a nearly 360 degree view of mountains. Customers ask and i answer knowledgeably now, or pretend to:
"these are the Blue Ridge Mountains, and that one, the tallest, is Mount Pisgah"
There are microbreweries here, like i was in New England, where we can sit outside and shell peanuts and drink IPAs or Pale Ales.
I found a neighborhood to live in, filled with taquerias and irish pubs, music clubs, thrift stores, bike shops, book stores, coffee shops.
I am moving, now, from my dear friends' guest room, to this neighborhood. To a white shingled victorian house, with glass door knobs and a basement, a large green yard, and a front porch large enough for at least ten chairs, shaded by Junipers.
I miss many things, but it defines me less and less. I have nightmares where he comes back and I'm forced to make the same choice again and again, breaking my heart each time. Or worse, a nightmare where I come back to him and he turns me away. It's been three months - so long! I've been away from slovakia almost six months - so long! I have felt in limbo for these months, stupid, horrible, difficult limbo.
But now, i have purchased a mattress and refinished a dresser. I am cleaning windows and sweeping front porches and i know that this is no limbo, this is becoming comfortable, this is nesting, this is growing into my life.
It's been strange, and good, and comfortable, and lonely around here. I know it seems like an oxymoron, comfortable and lonely...but c'est la vie. This move was different from my other moves since college (to recap, Boston and Slovakia). This move did not fill me with excitement and trepidation, i was not filled with hope. If anything, I slunk away to North Carolina, to lick my wounds in peace. To find solace.
And so it began. I came here on a monday, my convertible only semi-full of suitcases, everything else safely in storage. And on tuesday, it rained. And it rained and rained and rained, until i joked about building an ark.
But instead i shined myself up real pretty, and i found a job cocktail waitressing in a fancy retreat serving fancy drinks to fancy people. At my job, i have a nearly 360 degree view of mountains. Customers ask and i answer knowledgeably now, or pretend to:
"these are the Blue Ridge Mountains, and that one, the tallest, is Mount Pisgah"
There are microbreweries here, like i was in New England, where we can sit outside and shell peanuts and drink IPAs or Pale Ales.
I found a neighborhood to live in, filled with taquerias and irish pubs, music clubs, thrift stores, bike shops, book stores, coffee shops.
I am moving, now, from my dear friends' guest room, to this neighborhood. To a white shingled victorian house, with glass door knobs and a basement, a large green yard, and a front porch large enough for at least ten chairs, shaded by Junipers.
I miss many things, but it defines me less and less. I have nightmares where he comes back and I'm forced to make the same choice again and again, breaking my heart each time. Or worse, a nightmare where I come back to him and he turns me away. It's been three months - so long! I've been away from slovakia almost six months - so long! I have felt in limbo for these months, stupid, horrible, difficult limbo.
But now, i have purchased a mattress and refinished a dresser. I am cleaning windows and sweeping front porches and i know that this is no limbo, this is becoming comfortable, this is nesting, this is growing into my life.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Dear 27:
Dear 27,
Please, be kind:
Twenty-six was too difficult.
my birthday last year is still too close - did time always go this fast? Last year Mirka took me pizza in Pezinok, to Fesi Restpub in Jur. And I was sad, though surrounded by friends. No one of my family, or of my American friends, called to wish me hello, Happy Birthday, I am thinking of you. It was chilly that evening, as Mirka and Lucka and Jano sat on the patio. I called my father eventually, "don't you know what day it is?"
It was a hard day; a hard year.
Twenty-seven, be kind.
.....................
I still wish i could call him, commiserate: "aren't these birthdays hard, while we are alone?"
I still miss him.
I will never enter a relationship so quick again. I will never plan for a wedding that will never be - never, ever, again. That was the suckiest learning experience I have ever had (I can't emphasize that enough!) I would never choose to experience that. I would erase all of it, to not have that pain.
But it was, and it is, and here I am.
Still truckin'.
..................
I feel that I grew up this year in so many ways! I came back to the US, a place that i was not sure I would ever return. I have felt the pain of this past relationship - without marijuana, or alcohol, or retreating into the arms of a willing rebound. I have decided on a career path that suits my needs as well as wants. I have procured health insurance in America, which is not cost-effective or productive (I do not agree with the current system. 3 cheers to Obama for bringing this to the public realm). I have balanced my budget.
And still, it hurts.
..................
I'm leaving soon, again. I thought I would have it all here, but I don't, and nothing has replaced that loss. So i'm leaving, like I have before, to a new town in a new state. Far enough away, but still close.
27, let this be the place.
Please, be kind:
Twenty-six was too difficult.
my birthday last year is still too close - did time always go this fast? Last year Mirka took me pizza in Pezinok, to Fesi Restpub in Jur. And I was sad, though surrounded by friends. No one of my family, or of my American friends, called to wish me hello, Happy Birthday, I am thinking of you. It was chilly that evening, as Mirka and Lucka and Jano sat on the patio. I called my father eventually, "don't you know what day it is?"
It was a hard day; a hard year.
Twenty-seven, be kind.
.....................
I still wish i could call him, commiserate: "aren't these birthdays hard, while we are alone?"
I still miss him.
I will never enter a relationship so quick again. I will never plan for a wedding that will never be - never, ever, again. That was the suckiest learning experience I have ever had (I can't emphasize that enough!) I would never choose to experience that. I would erase all of it, to not have that pain.
But it was, and it is, and here I am.
Still truckin'.
..................
I feel that I grew up this year in so many ways! I came back to the US, a place that i was not sure I would ever return. I have felt the pain of this past relationship - without marijuana, or alcohol, or retreating into the arms of a willing rebound. I have decided on a career path that suits my needs as well as wants. I have procured health insurance in America, which is not cost-effective or productive (I do not agree with the current system. 3 cheers to Obama for bringing this to the public realm). I have balanced my budget.
And still, it hurts.
..................
I'm leaving soon, again. I thought I would have it all here, but I don't, and nothing has replaced that loss. So i'm leaving, like I have before, to a new town in a new state. Far enough away, but still close.
27, let this be the place.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Not the fairytale i had imagined.
A lot has been going on, over here in Chucktown Alley, but every time i try to come up with a cohesive blog post - because i'm so reliable like that - it just gets too overwhelming.
To sum up my emotional state lately, here's a nice, transparent "story" for you:
******************
A Crappy Love Story, by Sa
----------------------------------
Girl lives in Europe, and is having a kickin' time. She's learning a new language and a new way of life and couldn't ask for anything...except, maybe, she's a little bit lonely sometimes.
Girl meets Boy during her 6-week mid-summer trip home. Boy is amazo. Boy is everything Girl could've asked for. Not believing her luck, Girl says:
"Hey Boy. I live in Central Europe. Come with me, to there, and let's teach english and travel and eat interesting food and be in love!"
Boy comes to central Europe, but without a dime in his pocket, not even the money to reimburse Girl for his plane ticket. Girl doesn't find out until she asks. Girl is dismayed, but Boy is so sweet and so kind, well, he can pay her back later.
Girl finds Boy work, they move into a different apartment, fall more deeply in love.
But, Boy is often sullen or angry. So Girl tries harder to make him happy.
Boy chain smokes and plays hours of computer games, writes bizarre emails filled with lies to friends back home. Boy occasionally has outbursts that end with Girl crying. Girl says:
"You can't do that to me. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Do that again, and I'll leave."
Boy does it again, and again, and again.
Girl doesn't leave. Girl is convinced that it is true love, and, hey. Boy keeps promising he'll change! And Girl really, really wants it to work.
Boy loses job, and doesn't look for another. Girl says:
"we can't support ourselves here. Let's go home and you'll finish college. we'll get jobs and a house and a dog and you won't be so angry there. Please."
It is important, in this story, to know that the Boy was often nice. They would hike and drink beer and snuggle and talk about their future plans. But, as we know, sometimes Boy wasn't so nice.
And so they went back to America. They struggled with finding work. Girl got a car, and a cell phone, and arranged for the two of them to house-sit. It was a nice time, warm and full of promises.
A week before G&B moved into their house-sitting house, the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, and Boy raged all weekend as Girl cried. The story would have ended then, but Girl's father liked Boy (they were, unfortunately, very similar people), and Girl let her father persuade her into giving Boy another chance.
They moved in together, with little money and one car. Girl prayed for it to be happier. But Boy kept breaking promises, about going back to school, about finding work, and would never, ever, talk rationally with Girl about these things. Then one day, Girl asked Boy to go to the beach, and Boy was angry and ignored her, even though the water had a strong current and Girl was afraid. She made plans to see her girlfriends that evening, and Boy, incensed, packed his belongings and in a rage, left.
Girl was devastated and confused, and so let Boy come back three days later. But not two weeks after their glorious reunion, Girl was kicked in the face, accidentally, by a drunk friend (Girl was the designated driver that night). When Girl got home, upset and mildly bruised, Boy was furious at her for daring to get kicked in the face. Girl was stupid and let people use her, Boy said. Girl doesn't stand up for herself. Girl doesn't know what's good for her.
But Girl did, despite what Boy said. And girl made him leave, for good this time, then packed up her belongings and returned sadly to her parent's home.
Like anyone would, Girl spent the month of August trying to recover from the damage done. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of tears, and a lot of wondering "why?"
Boy spent a month emailing her and calling and texting and "dropping by" Girl's friend's houses, and leaving poems outside her parent's house and calling her parent's house phone and leaving long, sad voice mails promising everything that Girl could ever want. But Girl had been hurt badly, and wasn't willing to believe him anymore.
Girl had to block him from her email, her cell phone, and firmly state over and over that they were finished - even though she really would've preferred to believe him when he said that he'd changed.
About a month after their breakup, Girl found a website on emotional and verbal abuse. It all clicked. To this day, Girl is still working through this. But Girl is beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Girl believes that she will come out of this a stronger person.
****************************
bleh bleh bleh. that was mildly therapeutic. Maybe, hopefully, I am reaching the acceptance stage of grief. Lord knows i've been working myself through the stages...slowly..oh..so..slowly.
To sum up my emotional state lately, here's a nice, transparent "story" for you:
******************
A Crappy Love Story, by Sa
----------------------------------
Girl lives in Europe, and is having a kickin' time. She's learning a new language and a new way of life and couldn't ask for anything...except, maybe, she's a little bit lonely sometimes.
Girl meets Boy during her 6-week mid-summer trip home. Boy is amazo. Boy is everything Girl could've asked for. Not believing her luck, Girl says:
"Hey Boy. I live in Central Europe. Come with me, to there, and let's teach english and travel and eat interesting food and be in love!"
Boy comes to central Europe, but without a dime in his pocket, not even the money to reimburse Girl for his plane ticket. Girl doesn't find out until she asks. Girl is dismayed, but Boy is so sweet and so kind, well, he can pay her back later.
Girl finds Boy work, they move into a different apartment, fall more deeply in love.
But, Boy is often sullen or angry. So Girl tries harder to make him happy.
Boy chain smokes and plays hours of computer games, writes bizarre emails filled with lies to friends back home. Boy occasionally has outbursts that end with Girl crying. Girl says:
"You can't do that to me. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Do that again, and I'll leave."
Boy does it again, and again, and again.
Girl doesn't leave. Girl is convinced that it is true love, and, hey. Boy keeps promising he'll change! And Girl really, really wants it to work.
Boy loses job, and doesn't look for another. Girl says:
"we can't support ourselves here. Let's go home and you'll finish college. we'll get jobs and a house and a dog and you won't be so angry there. Please."
It is important, in this story, to know that the Boy was often nice. They would hike and drink beer and snuggle and talk about their future plans. But, as we know, sometimes Boy wasn't so nice.
And so they went back to America. They struggled with finding work. Girl got a car, and a cell phone, and arranged for the two of them to house-sit. It was a nice time, warm and full of promises.
A week before G&B moved into their house-sitting house, the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, and Boy raged all weekend as Girl cried. The story would have ended then, but Girl's father liked Boy (they were, unfortunately, very similar people), and Girl let her father persuade her into giving Boy another chance.
They moved in together, with little money and one car. Girl prayed for it to be happier. But Boy kept breaking promises, about going back to school, about finding work, and would never, ever, talk rationally with Girl about these things. Then one day, Girl asked Boy to go to the beach, and Boy was angry and ignored her, even though the water had a strong current and Girl was afraid. She made plans to see her girlfriends that evening, and Boy, incensed, packed his belongings and in a rage, left.
Girl was devastated and confused, and so let Boy come back three days later. But not two weeks after their glorious reunion, Girl was kicked in the face, accidentally, by a drunk friend (Girl was the designated driver that night). When Girl got home, upset and mildly bruised, Boy was furious at her for daring to get kicked in the face. Girl was stupid and let people use her, Boy said. Girl doesn't stand up for herself. Girl doesn't know what's good for her.
But Girl did, despite what Boy said. And girl made him leave, for good this time, then packed up her belongings and returned sadly to her parent's home.
Like anyone would, Girl spent the month of August trying to recover from the damage done. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of tears, and a lot of wondering "why?"
Boy spent a month emailing her and calling and texting and "dropping by" Girl's friend's houses, and leaving poems outside her parent's house and calling her parent's house phone and leaving long, sad voice mails promising everything that Girl could ever want. But Girl had been hurt badly, and wasn't willing to believe him anymore.
Girl had to block him from her email, her cell phone, and firmly state over and over that they were finished - even though she really would've preferred to believe him when he said that he'd changed.
About a month after their breakup, Girl found a website on emotional and verbal abuse. It all clicked. To this day, Girl is still working through this. But Girl is beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Girl believes that she will come out of this a stronger person.
****************************
bleh bleh bleh. that was mildly therapeutic. Maybe, hopefully, I am reaching the acceptance stage of grief. Lord knows i've been working myself through the stages...slowly..oh..so..slowly.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
cycles of abuse
ah, so close to home. now i know why he is obsessed with getting me back.
Great article, copied from http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm
The classic abusive relationship is characterized by a three-stage cycle that may or may not be visible to outsiders.
Victim Beware: You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem!
The Tension-Building Stage:
The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.
The Abuse Stage:
A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.
The Remorse Stage:
Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.
As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.
The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle.
Doc's Advice: Trust ACTIONS, not words.
Great article, copied from http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm
The classic abusive relationship is characterized by a three-stage cycle that may or may not be visible to outsiders.
Victim Beware: You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem!
The Tension-Building Stage:
The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.
The Abuse Stage:
A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.
The Remorse Stage:
Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.
As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.
The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle.
Doc's Advice: Trust ACTIONS, not words.
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