better, better, better?

so today is friday, (i think December 30th). it's about 830 am, and in an hour and a half i will be headed down to Savannah, GA to visit my Aunt and little (not so little) cousin, as well as just plain old visiting the city. For those of you who don't know, Savannah was the first planned city in the US, and consists of 'wards' - which are blocks of houses surrounding little parks. The city is beautiful and muggy and dangerous...it has a very high crime rate. but charleston does too.
what have i been up to, you ask? let's see. Tuesday i hung out with my la until about 3 or 3:30...then i came home and napped, then met with Laura and Lovick and Ashley and James and Cameron over at Poe's on Sullivan's Island (yummy burgers and beer) and we stayed for long enough that lovick had to leave due to work in the morning. then we made James be the DD (look how responsible we are!) and went over to Cameron's house in West Ashley.
Wednesday, laura and I went shopping downtown for quite awhile (i got two shirts which she will argue are exactly the same). We ate lunch at Wild Wings on the market, so i could get my "wing fix" in while i am down here. We also drank a bucket o beer. Our waitress was like "dang, i wish i had the day off so i could sit here and drink with y'all! y'all look like you're having fun!' and i was like "damn straight." then laura and i drove over to ashley's parent's house to play with baby Bayle (pronounced Bailey), who is 8 months old and has wavy dark hair and two teeth and is just the best thing ever. she can pick up puzzle pieces and whack them together, and she can gnaw on them. those are her current skills.
after that, i went home and napped (see a pattern?) . then Lara P and i went and saw the Have-Nots, a comedy improv group. the second half had me falling out of my chair laughing, due to wonderful Whats her face and "you be talkin de damn click click?"
Thursday, my mom and i went and got our hair cut in Mt. Pleasant, then spent eighteen thousand years in Target, because she wouldn't LEAVE. then my blood sugar fell (according to my mother) and we went and got lunch. then La and i got dinner later.
ok. well. oh, and BTW, two days ago, the weather at night dropped to like 39 degrees, and they referred to it on the news as "bone chilling cold". haha. it's already 70 degrees right now. oh, what i didn't know i had.

and so this is christmas.

marc just emailed me. he had been trying to call me, but my phone number has changed. he said that he was in boston and would like to see me. or something. so he gave me his phone number. but THEN i called it and the fucking mother fucker shit damn phone number had been disconnected? and so
now i am sittinghere at la's house in Mount P and i am kind of on the verge of freaking the fuck out but lara is here giving me good advice and braiding my hair into like 8 braids.

jiggety-jig

so. here i am at my parent's house in downtown charleston. I've been here since thursday, late. After I transferred planes in DC, i got on a plane with not one, but TWO people that i knew...one of them, a girl i went to high school with, we hung out some but not much; the other was this guy who i was omg totally in love with ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL; we then dated for a month when we were 19 (it ended really quickly due to his shady shady cocaine-y ways)...it was extremely disconcerting to see him, somebody still hasn't outgrown his hippie-phase...and it isn't me.
yesterday i woke up thrilled to be someplace WARM and muggy and not be at work. I went for a walk with my camera in the morning and ended up getting stranded when it started pouring rain. So i called my mother to come pick me up, and i stood waiting under the Saks awning on the corner of King and Market, while passerbys smiled hello. We drove over to pick up my brother from his apartment, he lives across Calhoun, in an area that is being gentrified, but isn't there yet. The three of us went to Harris Teeter to go grocery shopping for christmas dinner - it is amazing how i can be away for so long and come back and everything is still just the same...steven kept asking my mom to buy him things, and then mocking me and saying that i'll only ask for yogurt and carb-y things. which was true. Then steven and i went over to his house and hung out there for about four hours....for those unfamiliar with Chas. houses, there is this thing that happens to many of the less-well-kept houses, where the piazza starts slanting, his is slanted enough that you wouldn't actually want to stand on it for too long, per se. the apartment is SUCH a bachelor pad...three guys, two cats and a ferret. it's also about eight times larger than my apt. in cambridge, and just as old. We went down to the corner store at some point and some like 12 year old in front of us pulled out a hundred dollar bill to pay for a soda. i am sure that he earned this money legally. promise.
at about 4:30, steven decided to sleep (maybe it wasn't a decision, he was just kind of out) so i drove back to my parent's house and then went for another walk. i came back, and my father and i went to go to dinner, actually just at steven's restaurant (the charleston crab house, he's worked there for ages), and i got fried oysters and grits mmmmm yes i do miss southern food. my father and i got into a couple tiffs, but overall it was ok. steve got to sit down and hang out with us since the restaurant was dead (it was raining, and it is located on the market, which is really not so busy this time of year). then i went home and fell asleep and had 18 bizarre dreams.
things: 1. i really like sober steven. all that jitteryness, all the non-ability to hold a conversation, etc...gone! apparently even i didn't know how bad it was, he was telling me how he'd wake up at six and start drinking vodka. like, a lot of it. so i am glad that he stopped. and, he is so in love with ashley...it's been like 2 years, even he is amazed that they've been together that long...but he's talking about where they will live when they get married and how she'll be going to grad school and he'll get a job, etc. huh. so, god bless her.
2. off to the side of my brain i am contemplating transfering schools; i am going to go look at SCAD this week...just a thought, guys, so don't think too much about it, but i don't think it's the worst idea. there's no way that transferring would add any EXTRA time onto my education, and working for my firm for two years would just ....ahem..give me street cred or something. and i miss the south. no really. i miss the south....i wonder if it's just me wanting to run away again though, or what.
more later.

Our Loves Are Gonna Grow Ooh-wah, Ooh-wah

hahahahha yaaaayyyyyy today i go hoooooommmmmmeeeee!!!!
canNOT wait! i wish i could leave now, but instead i have to put together a mass historic report (as in Massachusetts, not as in "big ol'") which means i have to track down a stupid hateful picture, hateful because i can't find it.
i am leaving to go to the airport at about 3 pm today, since it's the holidays and shit. I dreamt that it was incredibly gray outside all day, and it is. I am kind of freaked out about flying, i have a big big fear of falling from the sky in a fiery blaze. shudder. shudder. shudder. i think i will actually go to an airport bar today.
in february when i was flying home for ashley's wedding, marc took me to a bar and got me drunk first. ahh, marc. what a stupid boy to leave like that. ....something that men seem to have in common these days.... sorry, segue.
god i can't wait for 3pm. cannot wait.
jess helped me pack last night. it was fun, even though i'm sure that she is flabbergasted at the state of my room. then we went to the commie bar, and my bartender was there, and we actually talked, instead of me being sheepish around him. apparently he lived in Key West for awhile.
this morning i watched part of some sort of kid's travel show as i ate leftover tomato soup for breakfast. it was about hawaii.
i just got mocked about my giant bag of luggage.
home home home home home home home home home home home

i can see it in your eyes

hooooray!!!! tomorrow i leave on vacation!!! hooray~
i cannot wait. i need me some vacation so bad it hurts.

There are no cats in america!

Today is (drumroll) my Final Studio Critique of the semester!!!! huzzah!!!!
Thank god!!!!
weekend wasn't too bad: let's see...friday i went to sleep at 8 pm. Saturday, i worked on my drawings and figuring out details for about 7 or 8 hours, then i went to the art store. on the way back from the art store, i accidentally went to the bar. and stayed. Actually, i was meeting Jess and Ally, and we munched on fancy pants "goat cheese and roasted red peppar" potatochips and drank us some stella and some UFO....then we went to picante pants for dinner...then we went back to the bar. Jess took lots of photos of her christmas-project-gnome, and then Max came and entertained us like the most excellent bartender/all around cool guy he is. apparently, he is 97 years old...he just moisturizes well.
Sunday i woke up early again, worked from 8-11:30 (sunday was for model building), got fed up and took a nap. then i worked from 12:30- 2:30, then i went to go downstairs, ostensibly to get a diet coke from Verma's market, but then i accidentally on purpose went to the gap. and to the liquor store. whoopsie. However, all of those things are about a 4 minute walk from the apartment, so it's not like i totally went far far away....per se.
Then i finished my model between the hours of 4pm and 7:30. Then from 8:15 until 10 i photographed everything....because just to add more pressure, we had to submit a cd of everything we have done all semester.
On the subway this morning, a nice (cute) boy offered to help me carry things...and then he walked me all the way to the elevator in my building. who says chivalry is dead!
i feel that i should be thrilled but i am still kind of freaked out...which leads me prone to such things as chocolate. and secret cigarettes. and, oh, the ability to verge on alcoholism. You know, i really need to find a better way to deal with stress....but i'm sorry, usually if i am stressed i don't have time to go run or do yoga. i guess i could do relaxion exercises...but what fun is that? none.

not somebody who's seen the light

ok. structures one? done. checkety check check check.
for the past week, as i am sure you all know, i haven't been sleeping. i blame this mostly on anxiety (mostly? please. i blame this all on anxiety)...which in turn causes the nightmares and the shallow sleep. i don't think it helps that cowboy has chosen this week to go crazy in the middle of the night, going under the bed and scratching this and that, then opening the door to my room and running out into the hallway then scurrying back in and jumping on the bed.
For my structures project, i taught myself SketchUp (or at least the basics of sketchup). at first it was all topsy turvy- it can be tricky to draw in 3D! but now i know this awesome tool for future projects and to put on my resume...and it's fun, so i'll be able to learn more without forcing myself to.
the presentation went well. i was nervous but my roof design was simple enough...i'll go put a picture on my myspace...it's kind of dumb actually, but i was able to BS it enough to work. "oh, yes, it's made out of 100% recycled material! crazy huh!"
afterwards several of us went across the street to Sonsie for drinks...btw, i hate it when people say "i got this round", order the drinks, and then ask you to pay them back! odd....don't offer if you don't mean it. We all had a simialiar reaction to being there...that we felt strangely like normal people. who go to nice restaurants on thursday nights, instead of class. i am looking forward to my little break.

in dreams become reality

or NOT...
oh my goodnessssssss i am so sleepy! again! i feel like all week long i have been verging on straight up blacking out. and i've been getting around 7-8 hours a night, which is more than i get usually, so i don't really understand. i have 5 more days left in this semester! hoorah! i am pleased...i think...
let's see. last night my friend carrie invited me to an art auction, she was one of the artists so she got in for free and was able to bring a friend (me!). It was around the 4 Point Channel in boston, which up until last week i had never heard of. it's near south station, then we had to walk about ten minutes. i am totally spoiled in that if the T doesn't drop me off within, oh, 4 minutes of my destination i get kind of peeved....but it wasn't a cold night and i didn't mind looking around. It was definitely kind of a warehouse/industrial/office buildings sort of place and we had to walk over a bridge. i assume that the bridge crossed the four point channel.
o, the event was actually held in a furniture's designer showroom; it was very modern and had this great sunken concrete gathering space which kind of reminded me of how living rooms were built in the seventies...but sans shag carpeting. There was an open bar and waiters with passed hors d'oevres, including the most delicious ever - bacon wrapped scallops. drooool. The only downside is that there were really no eligable men there :( there was like, one. every one else was either a woman, old, married, or gay. jeez! I did have an interesting conversation with the owner of a firm who turned out to be an alum of the BAC. He was amusing mostly because when refering to his firm, he would say "We" ...and so i asked how many employees his firm had, and he said "One". yeah. so...he was using the royal we? rather presumptuous, i would think!! i was pleased with myself in that i only had two glasses of white wine. ...instead of a vat of gin or something, who knows when there is free alcohol involved.
so then i had two nightmares last night. In the first, i was in a plane that Katelyn S. was flying, but then it was crashing and the ground was coming up very very fast and i was just like "damn it i don't want to die yet!" but then i woke up. In the second one, There was a huge chemical spill over at MIT, and people were dying. So my roommate Kat and i hopped into this mysterious gray minivan, and started driving away. but then she started driving up main street and i was like "noooo! this will take up right to mit!!! " and so she put the car in reverse and we were driving backwards away from it and on the radio they were saying how people were dying all over the place and so she stopped paying attention to the road and took out a sharpie and started writing her name on her face and i was like "what are you doing?" and she was like "since we're going to die, i'm just making sure they'll know who we are when they find our bodies...do you want to use the marker?" and THEN i looked backwards and realized that the car was running over all these children laying in the middle of the road and i wa s like "OMG!" and she was like "geez, sara, they are just going to die anyway". and then my alarm clock went off. isn't that HORRIBLE??? seriously my dreams have been incredibly macabre lately.
today at lunch a couple of us went ice skating at the frog pond :) it was super fun.

free to be

"well i don't care if i'm pretty at all; and i don't care if you ever get tall. I like what i look like, and you're nice small, we don't have to change at all"
yeah, so Free to be You and Me was on cable this weekend, so i tivo'd it and i've been watching it all day. Surprise surprise, i literally know ALL the words. For those not in the know, Free to Be You and Me is a children's musical/movie by Marlo Thomas, it was made about thirty or so years ago (maybe 40). I don't know if it's because i grew up in northern california or what, what i played a big part in my childhood. we had the soundtrack and everything. The whole premise is "you can be anything you want, unconstrained by societal roles" ...etc. ahh, if only i had been able to remember the lessons learned, huh?
i am still upset about last night, but what are you going to do.
seth gave me like fifteen thousand pieces of chicken to take home so now i have 14, 999 pieces of chicken in my fridge (i ate one for lunch).
i have architect's block. i can't seem to function / design today . :-(

when sundown pales the sky,

i want to hide awhile, behind your smile; ah but i may as well try and catch the wind.
just to clue y'all in, Catch the Wind is a song; bob dylan sings it (i am not sure if he wrote it) as does Joan Baez and mimi farina (sisters). It is one of my very favorite songs. another is "boots of spanish leather"
oh dear. tonight was seth's dinner party. i have not, actually, been looking forward to it, even though seth is my Very Good Friend. There seems to be a line drawn in between wanting (and being happy that) a friend is happyl, and feeling like you have lost them to somebody else totally.
once seth started working for louisville, it started erring towards the latter.

so. dinner party. jillface. bitch!
i hate her SO MUCH. jeez louis. i would seriously actually want to physically fight her, as totally mature as that is. ok, as previously discussed, i started it, ok? i started the whole disliking thing...with the whole roomate thing. then ever since then, i have tried to take it back in my way, which is to act like nothing ever happened (nothing ever did, as far as i know) and to make nice. she has never been nice back.
so then tonight, after a couple of g &ts, i asked her what i have been wanting to ask for ages and ages : "so, jill, how goes the roomie?".......
and she says "oh, it's great."
period.
that's what she says.
so i say ,"huh. awkward"
and she says "well, YOU asked!"
bitch. bitch. bitch.
jenn and i talked on the way home for awhile; i am really starting to enjoy HER company.

it's a jungle out there

well,
today is the first saturday in a long time (so it seems) that i wake up relaxed...happy...hurray for the end of the semester!! unfortunately, i do still have lots of studio work to do, but that will be taken care of on sunday, as is par. so i went out with mr. mustache last night, we were at the commie bar for like three hours, i enjoyed his company but i have no idea if i will hear from him again. we have a lot of things in common - he's in school (ph.d), he has a fear of heights, he really likes john irving...
dating now is so hard, cliche but true. let's see: we're in a city where there are so many people that if someone doesn't exactly fit your specifications, you can just say "not you!" and keep looking; there's the fact that people here don't really settle down until their thirties; the fact that nobody seems to have time...geez, hell if i know. alas.
i have probably mentioned this before, but i spent the past couple years avoiding relationships, not even really purposefully, but just because i kind of felt that they would prevent me from doing what i wanted to do. which, i mean, is kind of true - when you are actually involved in a relationship, you have to compromise....and i definitely wanted to accomplish certain things without being tied down...for instance, boston. i didn't want my choice of where to go after college decided by anyone else. i think maybe i am just stubborn? or maybe the deal is that everyone else i date is too....which is why we are all hitting dead ends. Le Sigh. oh well, whatever. i am still very young and there is no rush.
tonight i am going to seth's dinner party that i do not really want to go to. i see these people every day. i have to hang out with them on saturday night, too? Jillface is going to be there. awkward! ugh.
also i feel, last night, that i totally like, threw my personality at this guy. in the words of my cousin lora, who is very smart and is also married - the goal isn't to attract everyone, the goal is to drive those away who aren't right for me!

it was a long hard winter but now there's rain

or, if we stop talking song lyrics and start talking real life, there is diagonal snow. and according to the weather, it is 21 degrees outside but the real temperature is five.
in the words of ernest hemingway, it is a "beastly temperature"
it's been awhile since my face has burnt like that when i go outside.

well. i just figure, that this is the time in my life when i live in boston, and this is the time of my life when i experience "real winters"...and after it's over i will look back fondly and sum it all up with just a few sentences about how cold it was and how hard i worked and how young i was.

that's always what happens, anyway.

i took my structures exam yesterday. It was one of those that when it is over, people crowd around each other and say things like "oh my god. that was so bad" and "i really need a drink."
but it is so very reassuring to commisurate with others.

I think that i am very lucky with the position that my school has put me in. Most people, when they start their "real jobs" post college, miss the companionship and ability to meet new people, etc., of school. I am lucky in that i get to build my professional career while being surrounded by by peers. and it's true. the more you go along in education, the more narrow your scope of peers becomes. At school i meet people very much like me, who are certainly in the same position i am in. and it is comforting. I love that i chose to continue learning. i know that i am most uncomfortable being bored, out of all the emotions, and in this situation i am consistently challenged. yes, often to my point of breaking.
i guess the key for me was choosing a career that i would be consistently learning, for the rest of my life, and would never know everything. but that's just me.
and we all know how often my mind/mood fluctuates in regards to EVERYTHING, so i am grateful, right now, to feel grateful.


i have a date tonight. a mustachio'd date. at the commie bar, of COURSE. even though my hott bartender is there.

thorn in his side

so.
well, i am not quite so very stressed about structures - i worked on my project with the help of Mark, The Tutor Who Is A Gift From God, for over four hours yesterday. I will do the same today, and will be able to turn in my calculations tomorrow as planned. after that, i still have to put together a presentation for next thursday, but that's the fun stuff and the photoshop and the SketchUp and cad work and cupcakes.
I came to the realization this morning that this semester has been hard because all my classes are tough. i know, right....not exactly the most mind-blowing revelation, but one that i apparently didn't get until right now. You know how it is when you can let some things slide and they'll do all right....well, that didn't apply to ANYTHING over the past four months or so. I've had that "ohmygod i can't possibly handle anything else right now if one more thing happens i'm going to shut down" feeling way too often. and that's the worst.
So i got an email from my mother this morning about my upcoming trip to Chucktown. She updated me on my brother; apparently he is still not drinking at all. This makes me feel weird. I mean, He's been so screwed up for so long that i don't even know if i can hope that he'll...i don't know....be okay. I think he was about 19 when it started going downhill, so it's been like, 7 or so years. I would really, really like it if he just got it together enough that we all don't have to be so worried about him. :-\ so i am hoping that the sober thing does it. but, what about the drugs?
i guess i'll have to see for myself. And, i dont' know where the correct place to say this is, or if it's okay to say it at all (but it's MY blog and i can say whatever the hell i feel like), but i completely, 110% blame my parents for the way that he is. For not laying a decent foundation, you know?
and for reasons such as this, i hate going home.

In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty

oh lord.
i do not think that the next two weeks could go by fast enough. i am honestly shaky with, oh i don't know, the weight of all this on top of me! silly stress. i am breaking out. i need five more hours in this day. for every day for the next two weeks!
my room is a mess and i haven't done laundry this week and my studio professor hates my project (this week) and it is freezing outside and i am so very worried about structures.
good things: i think i fiinally understand hard-lined two point perspective, and we sent out the bathrooms packet last night, so i don't have to move any more fucking shower stalls by 1/8 of an inch. now i have been borrowed to U. New Hampshire, a small preservation project with one of my favorite architects in the office. so that's a relief.
i am talking to this guy. he doesn't have a nickname yet but he does have a mustache, so he might become Mr Mustache, if he sticks around long enough to get a nickname.
also for fun, my studio friend has intoduced me to this website called hungrygirl which is so much fun in that they do things like rate frozen foods and find low cal noodles and find the worst possible things that you could eat in anygiven restaurant and they say things like this "80 grams of fat??? that's INSANE" - it's a really fun way to waste time when you really, really, really should be figuring out tensile strength on your project that is due in a week. or, if you just like to read things written in hyperbole and happen to eat out tons / eat a lot of premade food/care about nutrition facts at all.
that is all. i should probably take some b vitamins or something.

"come in," she said," i'll give you shelter from the storm"

well, churn, it is winter. it snowed this morning! and i forgot there, for a moment, that i don't like being cold and wet, and just kind of got all smiley about the snow. then i remembered that today is monday and i have to bring all my studio stuff in and snow becomes water surprisingly quickly, and i stopped smiling and started looking for plastic bags to put my models in.
i woke up at 3:47 last night, which creeps me out, because whenever i fall into insomniac mode, i always wake up right at 3:45.
i am scared for my structures grade. i just. need. to. pass.
i am teaching myself to run.

it looked just like a dream

So, i had this dream last night that i wasshopping for a christmas present for my friend Laura V. in some sort of store that sold jewelry and clinique makeup (bear with me). and i ran into my old college roomate Megan, who had incredibly beautiful hair (in the dream). and then, this lady who worked there called me up to the front becuase they thought i had shoplifted, but i had a receipt, which i thought was odd because i didn't remember purchasing anything. Then, Megan's mother and grandmother showed up (not the real people), and MY mom and i chose to walk around Boston with them, because they were doing tours of historic homes, which for some reason did not have guides at all, and you could just walk in. In one of them, we saw Thomas Jefferson's bedroom, and the bed was this bizarre canopy thing that kind of had a tunnel leading up to it, and the canopy was a beautiful aqua silk. Megan said that it cost 12,000 dollars. THEN, i looked in the tunnel, and i saw the dog that i used to have, a dalmation named chelsea. Then, Megan's father showed up, because it was his turn for custody of the dog...but it was not Megan's dad, but rather my friend Shawna's Dad representing Megan's dad. and then for some reason we all had to go to the library IMMEDIATELY so we all took off running.
that was weird. and then i woke up with a splitting headache.
and now i am off to go study for my structures one final. :-/

more architecture stuff

So, i am currently signing up for IDP - the Intern Development Program. This is a 3 to 4 year thing that you have to do before you can become a registered architect. (and before you can take the ARE - the Architectural Record Exam, or something). I am "lucky" in that i can complete IDP while in grad school because of the way my school is set up.
So what i have to do is fill out a lot of forms, pay money, get a mentor and document what i do at work, and then pay more money (what? i get to pay to work? sweet.) I was talking to JTT yesterday, as he happens to be the IDP coordinator for massachusetts, about this process, and i managed to get a little background on the subject. IDP is a relatively new step in becoming registered, as in most architects over 50 did not have to do this. However, architecture is a field that strongly believes in "paying your dues" and "working your way up," and what was happening, oh 25 years ago, is that it started becoming obvious that interns were spending years doing annoying/menial/tedious tasks, such as bathrooms. (yes, this conversation did arise because i was bitching about my bathrooms). And what IDP does is hold your firm responsible for letting you work in each of the seven stages of building. So, i suppose, for that i am thankful.
Did i mention that the other day i got to spend a couple hours in the basement of King's Chapel, measuring it? it was awesome. It is a church several hundred years old, that holds things such as the tombs of Paul Revere's children. The crypts were in the basement, 18 of them, all lined up against the foundation walls. In the center was, well, a basement, and the puclic restrooms, and a room to arrange flowers in, and storage. I seriously expected to see all kinds of supernatural as we were digging around in there. but then, listen to this: in the middle of the night, i woke up with one of those "gasp!" moments, and thought a person was standing at the side of my bed, and i had to turn the light on. creeeeeepy.
i did go to my hip hop dance class yesterday. it was crazy fun, and also quite funny, as there were four white girls and one hispanic dude in class, and the instructor was a white girl in law school. yeah. we were getting down with our bad selves. or something.

Wharf Rat

I tried to put Wharf Rat on my ipod because it's been ages since I've heard it and I thought i was in need of a good moment of lamenting, but I somehow did something wrong and it did not work.
I had this dream last night that i had cancer and i had to go on chemotherapy. it was a long dream and kind of upsetting. I had lung cancer, and in my dream, that was the worst kind to have, and there was no hope for recovery. I remember thinking things like "well, if i am going to die, i am certainly going to go do whatever the hell i want to until i die!" and honestly, it didn't sound too bad. Not to be morbid or anything, but think about it - six months of doing everything that you've ever wanted to do? kind of satisfying. not the worst way to go out.
so, i don't know how to add spaces into my blog so that's why everything runs together. if you know, please tell me, unless you like all my sentences to run together so it seems like i'm talking and talking without taking a breath. I've adjusted the settings on my blog so that you don't have to log in or anything to leave a comment.
I think i am going to go to hip hop class tonight. my gym offers it (i'm not talking about cardio hip hop, that is different and it is on thursdays). it seems like it would be fun.
The semester is winding down, thank the lord. My boathouse is really coming together, and i've got some good ideas on how to finish landscaping it. I promise i will put some pictures up at some point so you all know what i've been rambling on and on about for the past couple months.
they've hired a new girl, and though i haven't met her yet, i do not like her. why? because when they were discussing putting her on Michigan, Paul P. said "well, she knows more than either Sara or Jen..." mmhmmm. i don't care if she DOES have 5 years experience. it was a rude way to put it. yargh. don't worry, i only hate the concept of her. Unless she is a bad person, i will probably like her soon enough. But for real...why do they hire sooo many girls??? how am i supposed to meet suitable men if all they hire are girls? geez.

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days go slowly by

Well, it is monday again. I think i only have 3 weeks left of studio, after today. Studio is fine, i like studio even if i am lambasted every time i go in; it's true though that i fear structures....esp. right now since all we have left is a final and our presentation. We are designing roofs. mine is dumb. (aka, i haven't worked on it much yet) and i'll be damned, but our professor is bringing in the author of our textbook to review our presentations. = horrible. and i doubt that i can bring in cupcakes and smile a lot in order to get an A for this presentation. (note: the aforementioned Tactic is a Sara Original...or, if it isn't original, it usually is successful....see case in point : Financial Planning 218 )
i have a giant crate filled with models to take in to class today. i did not finish my drawings.
studio is tricky because there is never any set amount to show in class, it's basically "do as much as you can - all the time" . i am proud of my most recent boathouse model though...and i have these precious little people that i put in it (to show scale) and and itty bitty little boats and i sang about them awhile to kat yesterday, who apparently has the patience of a saint.
i went and watched the Florida Gators game with Robyn and co. on saturday at a bar near fanueil hall. it was decently fun, miller lite draft was only 3.50, and it was a nice way to spend a gray day. then later jess and i went to the commie bar to say What Up, Blondie, but blondie was not there. we did have some good conversation with Max, the tiny Bartender.
So, the reason i am pissed at the philosopher is this : first, he calls me on thanksgiving "just to chat". fine. Then, saturday afternoon, i started thinking that it might be nice to go to church 0n sunday morning, as a respite from all the craziness going on, so I called him. he goes to a greek orthodox church just down the road from my house. so we talk for like half an hour and agree to meet at 9:30 in the morning. Then, lo and behold, at 8:15 am i get a text from him saying that he doesn't feel well and will not be going to church. geez. that's so annoying. and i wasn't going to go alone, since i haven't been there before and honestly, orthodox churches (and catholic) have enough rituals that i don't want to screw up so oi did not go. lame o.
ooooh! i just got my toothpaste for dinner stuff in the mail! finally. and listen to this - they didn't have one of the t shirts i wanted in my size, so they sent me the t shirt in the closest size, and an EXTRA t shirt, AND drew sent me a note that says "sorry we didn't have your size, email me and pick a replacement" and i'm all like "oooh drew wrote a note to ME, PERSONALLY" because i get kind of carried away with like, idolizing people. eg. bob dylan ("i love you! i want to have your babies!"

note to self

dude. seriously, MUST. STOP. RESPONDING. TO. THE. PHILOSOPHER.
he is a dorkwad.
that is all.

all together now

ok, now seriously. I have to stop looking at recipes of Pumpkin Pie on the Interweb. geez. When did america become so fricken obsessed with pumpkin? I mean, it is one of the world's tastiest foods - provided that you mush it up with lots of sugar and spices and bake it - but does it seem like there has been an influx of pumpkin-ny foods in recent years? Examples include (but are not limited to): pie (duh), pumpkin muffins, bread, cake, pumpkin spice coffee, and pancakes. Why was pumpkin chosen to be the exultant squash? take that, butternut! Go to hell, acorn!
I have that Milkshake song stuck in my head. again.
I had this dream that my mother and i were visiting my aunt in Savannah to discuss my boathouse project. when we got there, i discovered that my mother had built a model for me to look at as an example. i was like "whaa? i didn't know you knew how to build models!" and then my aunt showed up and built a really good model and i was like "she did that so fast! it takes me sooo long to build them! we have to go home so I can work on my model! we HAVE TO GO HOME!" but then we kept being delayed and i was getting all worked up and panicky and then i woke up but i was still all panicky. dreams are awesome.
there was a chemical explosion in Danvers. nobody was killed but ten people were injured and 30 buildings were destroyed and now there is some mysterious chemical in the water that the coast guard is testing for and it really creeps me out.
well. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

fake plastic trees

haha! hahahahha ( i am giddy with the interception of tiny fake plastic trees). So after the monday morning muffin meeting, i stop by the office manager's office where our mailboxes live. The office manager was surrounded by his lackeys, other wise known as all the project support. (interlude: i do not remember constantly hanging out in Jim's office when I was project support...but whatever, dude. whatever)
so anyway, when i walk in there, i notice on the table about 10 tubes of trees. Tiny architectural trees. they come in tubes, are of various scales, and for 4 or 5 trees run about 15 dollars. I normally simulate these trees with wire or foam or thumbtacks because i am broke and unwilling to spend even more money on building my models. Long story short, i pounced on the tubes, waved them at Jim and said "wow! whose are these?" and he said " i dunno. they've been there for a week. if you want them you can have them," all lackadaisacal (sp) like.
so one of the project support boys and i made mad grabs and each ended up with four or so tubes. Too - fricken - awesome :)
on a side note, i still am dying of death. death in a bucket. how saddish. if it were not a short week i would be far unhappier.

dfsd

oh my goodness. what a horrible waste of a weekend!
i woke up in the middle of the night last night with a migraine. i ended up getting up at about 6 and taking some migraine pills. then i woke up at 9:30, took more pills and lay around and watched ugly betty. i went back to sleep and woke up at 1 o clock, migraine worsened. i think i ate food then and mumbled some stuff, then went back to sleep until after 4 pm. woke up, drank a diet coke, and thought "ok! better start doing homework!" ..but my body was having none of it, no not at all. long story short, i feel cheated weekend-wise, and now i can't go to studio tomorrow since my work is incomplete. :( i will call my prof. and tell her though.

alas. oh and i flirted with Ponytail at the commie bar on friday and now i am embarrassed because i am a child.

i like cold beverages.

i do . ESPECIALLY WHEN THE VENDING MACHINE IS OUT OF COKE.

other newsworthy events:
1. i have a married man crush on JTT. he is just precious.
2. getting to do all the bathrooms for michigan today because jen is taking the GRE kind of blows.
3. i have eaten wayyyyy more than my share of simple carbohydrates today.

i've been out walking

this is NOT OKAY. hire a fricken office manager or something. do not have FOUR PROJECTS vying for my time without discussing it with EACH OTHER.
not okay.

i had a discussion with JILL FACE i was so upset.

and catch the wind

I had this dream last night that i had to find something. one of those awful frantic panicky dreams and when i woke up i was convinced that the cowbizzle was standing outside my window on the fire escape, even though my window is only open about 1 1/2 inches and the cow is at least that big times like 8.

hair - there and everywhere

sooo, other things include
1. the philospher, last night, complimented me in the following manner: "if i had long hair, i would want it to be just like yours".....wtf? on a side note, he was the only person besides jen to notice that my hair had changed colors....odd.

2. there is this tiny little man that i work with, he's totally like 5'6 or 7 or something and he is just precious...in that he has a crush on me. did i mention that he's like 95 lbs also? he just complimented me on a way that i wore my hair last week. last tuesday, to be exact.
~ so what we have learned from this is that blond men really like my hair.
that is all.

who exploded my hatch???

was it YOU?

soooo.... monday. my head hurts. and i am anxious about studio even though i worked on my project alll weekend. i never know if what i have is good enough. I guess the nice part about studio though is that it's very predictable. it will never be enough.
Yesterday I actually had a date with The Philosopher. I enjoy his company, no doubt, but..i don't know. he wasn't really acting like it was a date...so strange. and all he does is talk about philosophy. and ancient philosophy. he really likes plato. like, he really likes plato. probably more than he likes girls. So as we were walking to the tstop (for those interested, we went to Typhoon for dinner, then Bukowski's for a beer, then dillons for another beer, because bukowskis only takes cash and we only had cash for one beer)...so anyway. we were walking to the t stop and the number 1 bus pulled up just a bit ahead, so i was like "oh! if i run and catch that bus i can be home in like 10 minutes!" so we...hugged....and he said "i'll call you" and i said "you should".
so let's see if he does. remember kids, it took him how long to actually ask me for a second date and follow through? yeah. that would be 3 and a half weeks. Long enough that i took his phone number out of my celly. But he was still calling like twice a week! so. weird!
if i really had the time/motivation/desire for a serious relationship right now, perhaps this would bother me. but since i really really don't have a lot of time right now....it's cool. i don't mind being taken out ;) although really....i wouldn't mind like ohmygod totally making out with someone or you know whatever. luckily i still have my delightful ponytailed bar man across the street!
i woke up several times in the middle of the night really hot. i don't know how to adjust the ancient radiator in my room!!! and i woke up singing regina spektor's Samson in my head! How odd! maybe some more exclamation points are the answer!!!
huh.
i am cute today. i am wearing my spiky black boots and black pants and a really awesome green shirt, and then...wait for it..glasses! I'm going for the SuperSexy Nerd look today. it'll be great.

who exploded my hatch???

you don't even care

it's a beautiful day.
it's a beautiful, sunny day, and i am about to sit down with my sketchbook in front of the telly and work for the next few hours. It's funny. You know how you hear about all these creative people who have those "aha!" moments? well, not like i do anything that is earthshatteringly, mindblowingly important or anything, but i often will wake up and be like "yes! 'void, view, velocity!" (as in the case of this morning), or "tissue paper! perfect!" or something similiar. I guess it's true that the subconcious or whatever really does just like to ruminate.
So, i'm attempting to rekindle a relationship with my father. He's in a really bad place, but in one where at least you can talk to him. sigh. A real issue is that the man can talk and talk and talk, but never take action. My brother is the same way...and i just get so fed up with it. I wish i could just make people do things! But i called him today,since it's veterans day, and let him do his talking thing for awhile. Normally I kind of distance myself from him, but we were discussing Veterans Day vs. Memorial Day, and which is for the ones who lived and which is for the ones that died, and he said "I don't feel bad for the ones that died...they didn't have to do all this...they just got a free pass to a better place", and i'll be damned if that didn't just break my heart a little bit.
I have wondered, often, what my father would have been like if he hadn't been in the war. He was a green beret for 2 years, 1965 -1967, and as a child, i was just so proud of that fact. Now, god, it blows my mind. He was 17 when he went to Vietnam. When he was twenty and discharged, he went to san francisco - they had heard all about the summer of love and all that...but when they got off the bus, the story goes, that the hippies essentially assaulted them. anti war and all that jazz. my father has always talked about that phase in his life, and it just always seemed so cool! He moved to Laguna Beach (yeah, that one...) and became an airplane mechanic. He did a lot of drugs and had a lot of scrapes with the law and motorcycles accidents. almost lost his arm in one of them, he still has a steel plate in his shoulder. Note: if you live your life this way, and have children and constantly regale with with stories of such, do not be surprised if they attmept to follow in your footsteps.
just saying.
so, that was rambling, but it's what i'm dealing with. Broken dad is a hell of a lot nicer to deal with than Angry dad, but it seems like there are just too many pieces to pick up.. and they are really fucking sharp.

better than sunshine

god, today is ab-so-fricken gorgeous outside. the sun is blindingly bright and it's in the mid fifties.
Don't you love it when your day starts off on the right foot? i'm just happy. I'm not really anxious about anything major - i'm doing okay with studio, i got moved to another project at work, it's friday, my room is clean...good stuff.
yesterday at about noon thirty, seth came downstairs and asked me if i wanted to trek over to harvard square during lunch, as he had to drop some paintings off at an artist's co-op (eg. a store that caters exclusively to wealthy, liberal, older cantabridgean ladies ...the sort that wear pins for peace and lots of purple and let their hair go gray as some sort of feminist statement. you know 'em). So we head over, and after dropping his work off, we wander around HS for awhile. it was beautiful yesterday too. We went to darwin's for lunch. I got the hubbard park. of course.(the tastiest sandwich ever: hummus, avocado, sprouts, tomato, apple, carrots and cheddar on sourdough mmmmmm). Darwin's is one of maybe two places where i always order the same things...I am the sort to want to try everything usually; it just seems that if the first thing you tried was awesome, then isn't there the chance of something even more awesome still out there? (note: i have a feeling that i tend to apply this to men, too.)
So today seth is going to help me with my design during lunch again. I told him that he could continue doing this for the next two and a half years, and then after that we could open up a firm and he could do all the work then, too. my role would be the face of the company. What, all the glory with none of the work? hells yeah....being somewhat socially awkward, he seemed to like this idea as well. oh i am tricky!
This weekend is going to be pretty nice, me thinks. i have approximately three mountains worth of laundry to do...so that sucks, but i'll try to snag one of the giant turbo washers and just cram everything in and assume that it will be fine. I have to draw, mostly, for studio, which should be fine - though my wrist is still killing me :-\
~Meeting robyn for drinks at the 'snake tonight, we used to do this all the time...before school became incredibly time consuming. oh, and then on sunday the philosopher is thereotically taking me out. and i am taking him with a grain of salt. or, in the words of kat, 'a saltlick" :) but how else can you take a philosopher, now really.

there but for the grace of you go I

well, now let's see.
i have a new person sitting at the desk next to me. For functionality's sake, let's call him Jonathon Taylor Thomas, or JTT for short. He is a very nice guy. and a very tidy guy. In fact, he is so tidy that he makes the rest of us third floor office-mates look like we pulled open our file drawers, spread everything out all willy nilly, then rolled around in it, laughing at our own filth.

Today during lunch I had SB give me a drawing lesson in perspective, after my studio review on monday went something like this "hmm, yes, very good, mmhmmm...hmmmm, why can i see the top of your building? is the viewer supposed to be flying? ...you need to learn how to draw." So, seth and i went to the sweetwater cafe across from the Common, and ordered burgers and beer and spent lunch hour (and a half) drawing on a roll of trace that seth managed to hide away in his pocket to protect it from the rain....why seth, is that a roll of trace in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?...
it ended up helping immensely, and now he's going to help me with my design concept too. My boathouse is transforming into an amorphous mass rising from the esplanade and ends up acting as a bridge, too. it'll be pretty sweet. yeah. it will. just wait and see. you just wait, mister.
So i'm going to make him help me on friday too, before my weekend of studio. i canNOT believe that there's only 3 more weeks of class then the review! that seems absurdly fast. time goes whoosh whoosh! and then it's gone...i am so dreading the structures final, however, that i will not think about it.
So earlier today I was looking at architecture firms in charleston. I don't know if, in three years, i'll be back there, or here, or god knows where, but I do like to have the option of returning to charleston. It's a good place to live. and dammit, you never have a reason to own a coat that more closely resembles a sleeping-bag-of-doom. I suppose we will have to wait and see...but if i were to return, by that time i will have 4-5 years of design experience behind me, which is workable. and charleston is growing so dramatically...it needs all sorts of planning. and the whole big fish in a small pond thing...

settle your mind

Because this is one good long stream of conciousness
note to self: when the allergy-pill box states "may cause severe drowsiness"....believe them. the nice allergypill manufactoring men have no reason to lie. Sooo, here i am, on a rainy-yet-not-freezing thursday morning, wasting my time, wasting my time. It's November 2nd, El Dia de la muertos. It's about this time of year when i start romanticizing Mexico, South America, the bahamas....it's still sunny there! and warm and beachy. can't you just picture it?
Not so much going on.
~awesome. i just got work to do. I am pimping myself out to other projects, as I am not busy enough with my main project, and my second-in-line project needs nothing right now, also.
I don't like it when i am not busy at work. It makes me anxious. and also i just like drawing and listening to music, so when i am not doing that, then....
so, lucky for you, dear reader (as dear abby would say), i am stopping this rambling blog and buckling down.

you're so cold your so cold cold cold you're so cold cold cold you're so cold

that is how i sang the song "she's so cold" to scott yesterday. he was v.v. upset with my bastardization of the song, though it made ME laugh over and over.
god i am tired. and ugh hung over. pictures of the eighties prom party will be posted within the next 24 hours on myspace. i promise. it was fun fun fun. oooh, jillface just walked into my office. or, should i say, ewwwww.
and she's eating candy.
anyway. jess came over at 6:39 with ally, and we glammed it up, old school style (jess i still have your tourquoise eyeliner) then we drank vodka. then we did shots of vodka. then we went across the street, flirted with the bartender, and did a shot of vodka. you can see where the night was headed.
oh good jillface has left the office
so, the rest of the night consisted of drinking vodka, and dancing, and taking pictures. we left around 11ish and went to go get pizza, where the pizza slices were actually LARGER than my head. and delicious. then home to sleep.
i know that was so exciting for you to hear.
i got kudos on my models this week, which is AWESOME. in fact, i think today i will be working on homework again, since nobody seems to be headed my way with work.
ugh.

custom concern for the people

so i just ignored my window schedule to reread my blog, and have come to this conclusion: 85% of my worries lie with either men or architecure...at least, that's all i apparently want to talk about. Some of the remainder is focused on the weather.

some bright morning....

danger! danger! danger!
i seem to be in the midst of a running dialogue with marc. i emailed him on his birthday, he (surprisingly) wrote back....etc. I know that it is really, really obvious that i should not talk to him...what could happen? "oh, i've changed my mind, you really should move across the world to be with me (or vice versa) and also my (ahem) skills in the sack have increased dramatically?" ...ok, i guess the last part of that is superfluous, but....a girl can dream, can't she?
i mean it only took me like a million years (and two failed semi-relationships) to get over him....so ...i can't seem to finish my thought process so i'll leave it at that but he does seem very skilled at breaking my heart. i feel like i'm dipping a toe into the warning zone.


anyway,
good things include:
1. beautiful sunny fall day
2. no project managers in today
3. bargleshnartz

i can tell by your face

good things
1. i think i may be kind of slightly just a tad bit perhaps on the verge of understanding structures. at least, structures 1. next semester is a whoooolllle new ball game.
2. i like my projects at work. i like preservation. i don't know if i'll stay with it, but even though it's a narrower field, this move seems like it has the possibility of opening up lots of doors. and the preservation group here is really, really pleasant to work with. and most of them are out of the office until tuesday :)
3. my gray cloud lifted. thank god. i was worried that it would stay. and sue brought in a super fancy yummy office breakfast and it's friday and it's sunny.

bad things:
will spend weekend stressing over studio. if i can, what i intend to do is wake up early tomorrow, shoot pictures at the esplanade, then come to my office and work on my analysis for awhile. I wish that i could just do this all at home, but i would put myself in the poorhouse trying to buy all the programs i need (CAD, photoshop...) plus a color printer and a plotter. so, i am very, very lucky to have the job that i do - that gives me the opportunity to work (school-wise) here. So saturday - analysis, and Sunday - model day. oooh! and we get an extra hour on sunday! sweet!
i dreamt that paul stole my wallet.
So, here's a random part of my life that i apparently want to share:
every thursday, i leave work early - around 5pm, to go straight to Structures Tutoring before class. this is tricky, because that means that i work 8 hours, talk a 15 minute walk, go to tutoring for 2 hours, then go straight to class for 3. One thing about tutoring....everybody goes. We have our own self made group on thursday of ~10 peeps, and the tutor - mark, who is bald and yet also has a long flowing mane of hair stemming from the outskirts of his head. He makes things make sense. It's incredible, every tutoring session, the Structures professor (who has the initials KGB, btw) glances in and smiles, as if to say "aww, look at all my gung-ho hardworking students!" instead of "hey, look! two thirds of the class (hat i teach) are completely fricken lost" But, the strange thing is how much i've grown to enjoy tutoring. we all work on our Homework, muttering numbers to ourselves, cursing, and erasing furiously, but it's such a sense of satisfaction when you get a problem right! it's this funny little community of people all in the exact same boat i am - trying to balance school and get ahead at work and live in this city and have a social life....and still struggling with Static physics! it's a very nice feeling of belonging.
As is, i sort of straddle these two very separate things, and really the only people that TRULY 'get it' are people doing the same thing....laskdhfosudhgjfg;lkjsd
so that's all. hope y'all don't think i'm too stuck on myself...i just don't actually want to start doing REAL work yet.

i'm your brave little toaster

dfhgdfshsgfjrsy

good things:
1. i talked to my brother! since the first time since may! i'm so happy about that...and he doesn't sound bad. his girlfriend has gotten him to quit drinking for awhile, apparently it's been 5 weeks. Now, he's still a pot head, in fact, he was totally smoking a bowl while he was talking to me (either that or he's developed a very odd pattern of breathing)...but he sounds good. and he's theoretically graduating this spring and he is going to get a job. i'm glad that he's not still talking about grad school. and, hell. he's managed to hold on to the same girlfriend for two years, and she's a smart cookie.....so. it was a HUGE relief to talk to him.

2. I got an email from marc this morning. not entirely unexpected, as i wrote to wish him happy birthday several days ago. He also seems to be doing well, he's currently motorcycling through northern Viet Nam. I am so envious! maybe after i graduate i'll pull a marc and just go live in a random place for awhile.

3. It appears that i will have lots of time to work on my studio project this weekend, especially since i kind of have a direction to go in now.

bad things:
i am in a gray cloud.

tuesday

so. an update on the paul situation. I really, really wish that he hadn't tried to get back in touch with me. He called last night, luckily i was in class, and i didn't return his call. i almost feel that i need to explain myself to him (what, another break up talk?) but i think if i were to do that, it would be opening it up for discussion. which it really really isn't. but then, of course, there is the part of me that would take him back purely for the vindication value of it all....haHA! I WIN!....but i know that i wouldn't be winning.
i hate how sometimes, my entire emotional state is determined by guys. or rather, by my reaction to guys.
on a side note, i have purchased two pairs of high heeled boots. they aren't big high heels, i would say 2 inches, but it's a big deal for me. i haven't worn high heels on a regular basis since i left for italy. Though for many, they are just a choice of footwear, for me it feels like a statement....heels push me over the 6'-0" mark. which, in turn, makes people look at me. and apparently, gives them permission to say things like "wow, you're wearing heels?" (if i know them), or "damn, girl, you're tall" (if it's, per say, a bum on the street). and let me just say, thank YOU, captain obvious, for rearing your ridiculous little head.

things i hate

everything.
i hate everything.
that is all.

venting on a beautiful monday morning

I am an intern. I have not finished any degree in architecture. i am getting there, but what this means is that i OFTEN NEED ACTUAL INSTRUCTION. For example:
"Scott, im drawing a interior elevation of this room. what is this (in the plan)"
"That's a window"
"how do i know how tall it is?"
"at this point, you can look at the exterior elevation"
(15 minute interlude where i comb through the set locating the exterior elevation of this particular room)
"hey scott, what are the guidelines for drawing a section of the window?"
"Look at the building section"
"the what?"
(15 minute interlude where i comb through the building elevations in an attempt to locate a section of this window)
"Scott, what if there is none? and what happens if the window is taller than the room?"
"Yes there is one"
"NO, there isn't"
"oh. Then just draw it to the size of the room"
"what do you mean? shrink it to fit the room?"
"no, just stop drawing it at the ceiling"
" how do the two intersect"
"just draw a rectangle for the window. At Quarter scale, you don't need detail"
"WHAT?"
so i just spent an hour drawing something involved for NO reason because nobody will take the time to actually instruct me, even when I ASK for detailed instructions. I swear it's like trying to piece together a GD puzzle.

goodbye weekend

so i just saw this other blog where this chick in GB writes a blog everyday about three things that made her happy. i think that's a healthy thing to do! so,
1. going to the esplanade to sketch during a beautiful new england fall day
2. having a stranger tell me that I am beautiful
3. having the time to cook dinner (chicken, pasta and wine)

there. alas, tho tomorrow is a holiday, i will be going to work- but i may take friday off to work on studio. we have a "sketch problem" this upcoming saturday, which is this rediculous 12 hour class at school that we have to go to once a semester. and that takes up the whole fricken weekend!!! ah well. i am thinking that i will treat myself to a scone on the way to work in the morning :) and tomorrow is supposed to get up to the mid seventies!

thursday is not such a bad day

Ahhh, thursday. Well, on the bright side of things, I was just doing a little morning myspacing while eating my yogurt at my desk, and then i was like..."huh...i feel like i've neglected something - what could it be?" and then i realized that I hadn't thought about paul all morning! Go me! I think seeing his profile back up on Match.com made me realize that he is a tool. eye roll.
Yesterday I managed to go to structures tutoring and go home and do some studio work...it's tricky to find a way to balance all this, especially since my classes are so demanding this semester. I've also finally come up with some ideas for my "transformation model," which was assigned on monday and is due this monday. We're all required to visit our instructor at her firm to discuss our models with her...she works at Richardson Shepley, also downtown. It is the oldest architecture firm in the country, and was started by HH Richardson in the late 19th century. HH Richardson is the architect of Trinity Church, and the founder (obviously) of the style Richardsonian Romanesque.
That was a little off track, but it is cool. My instructor has big big goals. She fully intends to be a principal at her firm within the next five years, and is taking steps to ensure that. Personally, I do not have such lofty goals. Granted, I don't have enough experience to come up with my own design theory yet, but Mostly, I want to be an architect in an itty bitty little firm...maybe one of my own...and i want to have enough time to raise a family and do things like have hobbies. And go to dinner parties and cocktail parties...i think i chose the right profession - architects are drunks.

random thoughts

well, just another blog about nothing at all. Studio is keeping me very, very busy. This week we get to start designing our boathouse :) ..actually, first we have to do a site analysis....but close enough. Structures is still kicking my butt; thank god for tutors. Other than that, nothing is going on. The leaves are changing colors. I really like greek yogurt. The hot guy in my studio is engaged....damnit! i saw his fiance. she is not hot. but she sure does have a big ol' ring on her hand. and bad skin. so i guess my mini itty bitty crush has to go by the wayside...sigh. how come there are no cute single guys at my work?
Unions keep picketing around here....there's a lot of strikes up here! the strikes are usually kind of laughable...like right now, across the street, there's two guys with sandwich boards on/

frustration

so, ever since chicago has had me on their team, i've been feeling like a time waster. I'm stuck in a difficult spot: I can draft up in autocad anything that's already been drawn, and i can pick up redlines (make corrections on drawings), but that's where i'm stuck at right now. I know the mechanics of drafting, but i don't know the whys and the hows. i don't know, automatically, if drywall needs to be to the back of the stud to make the column rated one hour fireproof. and when i find that out, i still don't know how to attach the drywall to the concrete... this is fine, this is learning, but it is frustrating nontheless...as it makes me sooo very dependent on the knowledge of others. in other words, i am beyond bored.

also, i kind of hate to say it, but i think for the past week i've been waiting for paul to come back from his business trip and announce his undying love for me. I don't understand how he could be so fine not caring! I know it's for the best, i really truly understand that....i was the one who ended it, after all...but hope endureth. and it would certainly have made my life more pleasant if he popped back up and, in the space of one week, had morphed into the perfect boyfriend and/or love of my life. and, for all those thinking this right now...no, i don't fully endorse this vision of mine...there are so many reasons why he wasn't right for me...but still. allow a girl her daydreams ;) oh wait. actually, if here i am daydreaming about perfect true loves of my life returning and begging for forgiveness, give me marc instead thanks. but fix all his problems too.

the weather has been weird today, i miss starbucks (the one across the street is undergoing renovation), and i am SO BORED.

structures can suck it.

no really. I am taking Structures 1 right now, after that i have two and three. Structures is essentially Static physics...or, in this circumstance, what makes a building/bridge/whatever stand up. Now, some of you (ashley, katelyn) may remember how exactly i passed in AP physics with Mr. Newton...yep, by striking deals with the man. unfortunately, i think i actually have to know structures for real - especially considering that it is one of the 9 tests on the ARE (test to become an architect). but i don't. so i've been making scott tutor me after work. and then going to real tutoring. scott is becoming the new seth berkowitz, because now seth is all caught up with his super awesome louisville team. who can also suck it.
that was random. i'm sleepy.

nothing at all to precipitate a good mood.

fall is so pretty!
the leaves are juuust beginning to turn... i'm so lucky that i get to walk through the garden every day! And i've been eating lunch there more often too. Sometimes, when i don't feel like walking the extra 15 minutes to work, i peer pressure myself into it "you're going to miss this when it's winter! appreciate it now, bitch!" and i do.
I wonder if this winter will be as "bad" as last winter...no, not in terms of blizzards or icy rain or rainy ice or freezing slush or whatever, but in how i perceive it. already, things are going better, as i now own a fleece- something i never thought that i would buy - but it actually keeps me warm. and, i now take the bus home after class, which is much faster and drops me off much closer to my door.

on a side note, scott just made me "swedish coffee" which is thick. like, the consistency of cream. it's so strong, it just knocked out my headache.

nice. no, really. that's NICE.

Update on the breakup. because you care. or, more likely, you don't, but have that natural human interest in hearing random personal details about other people's life...kind of like looking in someone's medicine cabinet...
1. Seth heard from Jillface (and i am so not making this up) "she opened a door cabinet door and found it stocked with water and gas masks"
so, WTF???? is he crazy? is it true? i don't know. i think it's weird as hell though.

2. so i looked on his myspace page (you know you would do it too), and found this comment written by his best friend:
"honestly, how are we so bizy we can't go out and chase tail son? "

nice. i don't even think you want to hear what i was thinking about when i read that, but you can bet i was pissed as hell and i'll be damned if he finds any better ass than this. HA i just wrote it anyway.
*****seeth*****
****still seething*****
**********switching it up to a glare***********

oh yes, it's autumn!

Well, I had a dream that I was hanging out with Ashley and her baby (!) but I was sooo cold and i kept thinking "I need to put on a sweater!" but I couldn't for some reason...then i woke up freezing. so, the moral of the story...is it is fall. Time to take the window unit OUT of the window...pull out the sweaters...put an extra blanket on the bed. I think the Cow was cold too, I went to feed him to find that he had puked in his food dish. naw...i think he's just lonely and wants attention. the other day he hooked his paw around my nose and pulled my face toward him...it was quite cute.
no word from the boy...but in the words of Ani difranco (because apparently all i can do anymore is quote her), "you know, there are lots of really great men out there"....ugh. there is, however, a guy in my studio class with a really great jawline. who offered me gum. yeah.
Studio is hard right now. I can't wait to be done with this dumb ass case analysis that wer're doing. we had to draw famous houses out of a hat and draw them (plans, sections, elevations), diagram them, build them....etc. And i got the stoopidest house in the whole world. The architect "designed" the building by "feel" - so there ISN'T REALLY A LOGICAL REASON for anything in the house. It's six stories of WTF. Even my professor was like "your house is like a puzzle!" There's 3 more weeks of this, then our review, THEN we get to move on to designing. We will be designing a boathouse on the Charles, which i am psyched about...yeah. So it's convenient not to have a BF right now. I have a ton of homework.

from here, I roll on

argh!
so, against my better judgement, i went on a date tonight. In hopes, honestly, that this guy would have been just soooo fabulous that i never have to think about FF ever again.
He Wasn't.
He was very nice, to be sure, but his laugh annoyed me, and i couldn't imagine kissing him.
so, with that in mind, i have decided to take at least two weeks off from dating, and go from there...re-evaluate after that time.
and, i'm sorry, but at least a small part of me is still hoping that FF thinks about it...then comes back and tells me that he was wrong: he's changed his mind.
ahh, in a perfect world.
i'll be fine, updates forthcoming.

you sucked my brain out

well, to reiterate, i broke up with paul yesterday. Ironically enough, he chose yesterday to stop by my work in the afternoon (he did that whenever he went to the gym in the afternoon - his gym is like 8 doors down from my building.)...so i went downstairs, we walked and i said "paul. we have to talk..." essentially, i told him that it was all or nothing...i can't be his girlfriend when it's convenient for him....i told him that the only thing i could be sure of with him is that if i call him, he's not going to pick up the phone.
at least he admitted everything. he said that he would love to tell me that he'd find a way to make time for me everyday; but he didn't want to do that and then not deliver. this took place in the promenade at Copley Square - a row of trees that line the park in between trinity church and the public library - and it's fall, so the leaves were kind of swirling around us. it was very idyllic for a breakup. I am most proud of the fact that i hugged him, said "i should go back to the office" - and turned and walked away without looking back.
after a safe distance away, i of course burst into tears on the busy sidewalk, and called my cousin. then i went back to the office and cried to Seth. Seth, a typical guy, couldn't understand why i was upset "but you wanted to break up with him, right? this is a good thing, right? oh god. oh god. you should go outside and walk around. oh jeez"
earlier in the day, seth and i had had a discussion where he said that i should lean on my "female friends" for matters like this. I, having none of this, told him that if he wanted to be my friend, he had to be my friend........in any circumstance.
as is obvious, i am tired of circumstantial relationships. either you are there or you are not. i have no patience for the gray spaces.
I feel that this has been an important weekend for me. This is the first time that i honestly walked away from a relationship that was damaging to me, and also came to terms with the fact that either a relationship works or it doesn't. None of this "maybe, baby" stuff. you know, stuff that lora has been stating for a long time. i just never accepted it. so now i know. go me.

copied off a blog

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant tobe.Slower is better.Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you trulyhappy.If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as youdeservethen heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat afriend.Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then heprobably is.Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad atyourselfa year later for staying when things are not better.The only person you can control in a relationship is you.Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,Why would he treat you any differently?Always have your own set of friends separate from his.Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.If something bothers you, speak up.Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if hehasmore education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.! He is a man, nothing more nothing less.Never let a man define who you are.Never borrow someone else's man.Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.All men are NOT dogs.You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is atwo-waystreet.You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cuteaboutbaggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationshipYou should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationshipconsistsof two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...notsupplementary.Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, andyouralways readily available to him- he takes it for granted.Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that youneed.Keep him in your radar but get to know others.Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, anotherRETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour toappreciatethem, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Choice

well.
so tonight i had jess and kat over to eat the pizza that i had prepared for FF (fuckface)..as he is colloquiolly named...
and then lora called and spoke sense to me, as she does best.
decisions:
this is sooo not working. As i've been attempting to look on the bright side of things, here is the bright side of this: breaking up with him will open the door for a real somebody to come in. breaking up with him will allow me more time to focus on my schoolwork. breaking up with him will show MYSELF that i respect ME more than being treated like a second class citizen. I can go fucking hang out with Jillface, if i so like.
so. i made a list of dealbreakers; i made of list of reasons why to break up with him.
and then i called him. and got a voicemail, after two rings (eg: his phone rings, he looks at it, and sends me to voicemail....we all know how that works) so i said "it's sara, it's 930, please call me when you get this. .. it's important."
no word yet.
i so want to be wrong on this, i want to avoid the heartache. 2006 has been ripe with heartache: Marc, Soby...even Ian i hurt over.
the difference with paul is that i feasibly saw a future! I am choosing to end a relationship with someone that i care for. deeply.

drama llama.

wait a second

just a minute here. the last sentence of my last blog was "i really like him". now WHY exactly do i really like him? the entire blog, the whole thing, pretty much, has been how frustrated i am with the way he acts.
do i like him because he's so evasive? do i like him because for one out of seven days, he makes me happy? i want a real boyfriend. not a halfhearted one.

things i like: he holds my hand. he always pays. his nice apartment. the fact that this, sadly, is the most succesful relationship i've had since larry. and sometimes, a little stability is better than nothing.

hold on, here. i'm going to list other things that i just adore about this guy. How about: his weird old roomate situation. his ability to eat nothing other than pizza and ice cream. his lack of a college degree. The way he didn't pick up the phone while i was in the emergency room. The way that on Myspace it still says "single" for him. how he ignored me at my birthday party. How i started fucking reading men are from mars, women are from venus because he sends so many mixed signals. How i asked him to call me more often, because i felt that he was giving mixed messages, and he promptly responded by calling me LESS.

oh YEAH he's a keeper.

boo how to me.

when to throw in the towel.

so frustrated!
made plans with P on sunday, to hang out today (wednesday). i call him yesterday at 8pm, to give him my new phone number. i leave a message, stating "call me back tonight". nothing.
so, i buy stuff to make dinner for tonight.
email him at 10 am, saying "are you still coming over for delicious homemade pizza and the delightful company of yours truly?"...he emails back at 2 pm, saying, "oh, i have an appointment this evening in chelsea, so tonight won't work. housewarming party still on for friday?"
god, i am so frustrated with this situation. i know he cares for me, duh, but it just feels like i'm not even part of a prerogative in his life. I simply cannot be number 15 in somebody's life! Plus the fact that MY schedule is about 15 times busier than his, and yet he is the one calling the shots with the time. if he doesn't feel like putting any sort of effort into this, then i am about ready to throw in the towel. Is this unreasonable? please respond. i really could use some advice. I really like him :(

Sweet Sweet Victory

SO, seth has been telling me that in regards of Miss J, i have nothing to worry about...(they are on the same team, and apparently Miss J is quite the Chatty Cathy....well i am too, but...)
so i demand details "damn you seth, i need details! WORDS AND PHRASES!"
apparently, Miss J is "on the verge of disliking" her roommate....something to do with the fact that she's quite the liberal and he's a staunch republican...
whatever. i couldn't be happier.

oh, and in a general note, i realized on the walk through the garden this morning, that actually..I am happy :)
yup. i am happy with my life right now. It's good. and it's good to realize that.
and this was before i heard the good news :)
well, off to class..

and i think to myself, "this is not cool"

i am worried that i am getting sick. i will eat lots of leafy green things. and/or oranges. i have half a swedish birthday cake in my fridge, and 1/4 an ice cream cake. it is birthday cake flavored, which is somewhat redundant.
on the subject of birthdays, i do have to admit that i was hoping to get some sort of birthday greeting from marc.. i remember HIS birthday (oct. 22) ...and it would have been nice to get some sort of acknowledgement from him. alas. i hope he is really enjoying vietnam.
outside my window is a upscale furniture store called "Pompanoosuc" which is really fun to say out loud.

apparently

apparently, if i have nothing to freak out about, i get freaked out. nice.
also, apparently, Mr. Man really responds well to needy, drunken girlfriends ....geez. had i only known that to the best way to make him be a good BF is to ...welll...get drunk and demand things, then i would have acted on this previouly ((rolls eyes))
all i want to eat is more of kat's spinach dip. the ingrediants are spinach and crack.

i think i need a guidebook

i just tried to write a blog summarizing the past year, but my writing has become oversimplistic and boring and i had to erase a very clinical examination of my life. All I can say is that sometimes i am blown away by the goodness of this world, and how lucky i have been in my life...and sometimes i don't see the point of making it all over again every single day.
The sun has a way of hitting our windows between 630 and 7 pm and it's golden and peaceful and it reminds me to breathe.
I don't know why i feel things so dramatically, i don't know if i place the emphasis there by choice or because of brain chemistry or because of the way i was raised.

Not My One

Fine.
At some point, mixed messages become pretty clear all on their own.
He is not mine and i am angry for wanting him to be.
my disappointment is palpable.

wow it is bright outside!

i think i injured my wrist during yoga yesterday...it just started hurting, and i can't have it be hurting if i have to be drafting all day.
so, OFFICIALLY, i am now a draftsman. god, that only took forever! it's neat though (in a relative sense) that two months ago, i said that i expected to be promoted within 2 months. and it's been 7 weeks....so, good job, guys. god i love not being project support!
and i get to keep my window seat, which will be nice in the winter when it gets dark around 4 pm...sop up that sun while i can, essentially.
i don't know why paul sucks at the telephone. i know that i can't always hold it against him and expect to have any semblance of a decent relationship...and it does help to know that he really doesn't have his phone on all the time (over the weekend he would pick it up every now and again and say things like "oops, i missed three important calls!") but geez. i am a huge phone person. and we've been involved for like a month and a half now.
i am supposed to be going to lunch with seth b. right now, but HE's not picking up the phone, so i shall wander upstairs to see if he's in a meeting. if he is, i plan on pouting.

eating and drinking and a long weekend.

Labor Day weekend! How nice, to have that extra day off. especially since school is starting on thursday! eek eek eek! it's felt like summer has been forever. When you are only in school a grand total of seven months of the year, one can't really complain, can you? (rhetorical question. i can and will be complaining. soon)
so anyway. Friday Jess picked me up as I was walking to the T stop, which was great; we then cooked enchiladas with Kat, and drank Stella. Jess and I walked to Harvard after dinner and hung out and listened to a dude on a guitar.
Saturday...let's see. OH! i woke up painfully early, at 6:30. I decided to do my laundry, so i crossed the street to the laundromat and put my clothes in. It was warm in there, so i thought i'd go for a walk instead of sitting there and reading in one of the FOUR chairs that they have in the place. i went to Dado Tea and got a Cafe au Lait mmmmm then walked for awhile. I do love cities in the morning; and it was cool and kind of foggy out still.
Laundry complete, i went home, and took a nap. Upon waking from my nap, I called my cousin Lora, who was brunch-ing with Kat to see where they were. Whilst talking to her, i attempted to open my door..to find that i was locked in my room! and i really had to pee. so, while i could have used this as an occasion to test out the fire escape, i asked them to PLEASE come back and let me out!!! we had to take off the bedroom doorknob. Now i have a hole in my door, making it all that much the easier for kat to watch me sleep.
For the next bazillion hours, we hung out and drank mimosas. jess came over and we played tennis, then we went back to the house, and drank mimosas more. i like how it feels like a sorority house sometimes, all of us just hanging out. i painted my nails. and cleaned some. Kicked Lora and jess out at some point "Out! Now!"
Paul came over around Seven and brought a delightful assortment of yummy pastries from whole foods :) then we made pizza.
Sunday morning Paul and i braved the rain and wind to get to Zoe's, a little diner down the road towards harvard, and i got "california" eggs benedict, which meant that instead of canadien bacon (eh?) it had avocado. then we slept a million more hours. and watched the skeleton key, which had exactly ONE scary scene, but i'll be damned if it doesn't keep running through my head.
that evening kat and lora and mike and uncle jim and i went to pf changs, where we ate more.
today, monday, jess and lora came over again and we shopped some at harvard then went to go eat afghani food then shopped more at cambridgeside galleria. i purchased very expensive underwear.
wasn't that enthralling?? this blog was hard to write because there were so many days and i hung out with all the same people all the time and we drank a lot. i didn't get drunk, at all, over the weekend, but really, we drank pretty steadily. i purchased nasty beer from harvest. i wonder if you can return 5/6 beers? if not, then i will just force people at my birthday party this weekend to drink that shit. kat is putting curlers in her hair. tomorrow i get my promotion. oh, btw, they decided that no, i really really do have to work on chicago through november, to meet the deadline. kat is disappointed that i am not writing more about her. kat just asked if i was kidding that i wrote that. kat is not amused. kat would like to insert "kat thinks sara is stupid". kat is reading a trashy romance novel entitled "Traded to the Sheik"
so yeah. happy tuesday, all!

decisions

I am trying to rely on myself more regarding decisions that affect my life; however, this can be so hard to do in some situations. Per Example, I have been assigned to chicago at work (duh), which i feel is a poor decision and an outdated one at that. my skills and knowledge will not be utilized there; in addition, i will be at the bottom of the food chain on that project, and as we all know, shit rolls downhill....so i'd be the one putting in door tags or dimensions, and calling the printer....etc...not what i want/expect to be doing once in my new position as draftsman. (draftress?)
If i had been assigned Louisville, i would not second guess this.
************************************************
20 minute interlude
**********************************************

the point i was getting to earlier was that i know i don't want to be on chicago, but if i should push to work on Louisville, or if i should push for Preservation Projects.
Louisville because the team is fun,
or preservation because...um....that's why i am in architecture. I decided preservation, as it is the direction i intend on heading in.
SO, i just went and first, asked to speak to LH, an associate who is the director of Preservation here, and she offered to back me up. Then I ran into PD,( who assigned me to chicago), and explained my situation to him. he said it sounds reasonable, and to talk to JC, the Principal in charge of Preservation (there are 5 principals who run the firm)
I am pleased with how i handled this.
I am pleased that i spoke my mind. it is hard to do. wish me luck.

punk rock

Ok, um, why am i so willing to put up with uncooperative men?
like for real.
because of my giant dork-factor, i checked out the classic "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." from the library at lunch. I am going to read it tonight. I'll let you know if i learn anything valuable.
I also looked at "He's Just Not That Into You" at the library...because, honestly, i didn't want to hear it. ok. guys should not act like they totally adore you (in person)
if they don't.
let's take a vote:
give him "more time"
or dump 'im?

CHICAGO IS THE SUCKIEST SUCK FEST THAT EVER SUCKED

I AM SO UPSET.
I HAVE BEEN GIVEN TO THE CHICAGO TEAM. THIS IS NOT FAIR. THIS ISN'T EVEN REASONABLE. I AM REALLY REALLY SAD. AND I HAVE TO LEAVE MY WINDOW SEAT TO GO TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SECOND FLOOR.

another one bites the dust?

nobody knows what the hell is up with Mr Man. I think i've hidden my crazy ;) from him pretty well....but all of a sudden he's *poof* ing on me...he hasn't called in two days (!) , and he postponed the date that we had for tonight until saturday. WTF? whatever. i have no. idea. what to do in this situation ...where we're in some sort of limbo? so i am going to not think about it for awhile. attempt to "go with the flow"...yeah. that'll happen.
i dreamt about Marc again last night - that somehow or another we were IM ing each other, and he goes "man, if i had only known that you had IM, we'd still be together!" nice.
I also dreamt that i had a baby. like, there was just one in my arms, kinda monkey-like, and I really liked it. huh.

also

he finally added me to his top eight.

blah.
i feel rather apathetic about it all today. maybe that's a good thing. this day consists of such things as laundry. yay. I helped my friend Carrie purchase things for her friend's wedding this weekend..apparently lots of people get married labor day weekend! I wanted to purchase a headband at the jewelry store we went to ("so good"...it isn't really...) ~headbands are the new fashion accessory at GCA. must. resist. fashion. trend.
i went to a very long meeting this morning, and offered to move up to the fourth floor. this would put me in a better seat - people wise- but i would lose my incredible window seat. that is, my incredible window seat that creates such a glare on my screen that i can't see purple, dark red, or brown lines. ...very frustrating!
I think i found someone to give me their Structures 1 textbook. woohoo! more money to drink with.

green eyed monster

as you know, that's me.
oh goody! J is moving upstairs to sit in the same pod as all. my. friends.
this is crazy. i'm being ridiculous. jesus christ. i just have this overwhelming feeling of hatred towards her. must. get. past. this.
~got invited to hot yoga with her and Katie. maybe i'll go.
or maybe i'll just take a big fat chill pill.

yeah, okay.

huh. so. it's really chilly out. it's like 60 degrees. i can't believe this is late august weather. the days are already getting dramatically shorter- now it's dark around 730, when a month ago it was 830.. i guess this makes sense, as during the winter it's dark around 400.
i ran yesterday! why? because i told myself i couldn't do it. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, but i still cannot breathe when i run. like, at all. i am 99 percent sure i have some sort of exercise-induced asthma, which just makes me frustrated that i've never had that checked out. well, i have a doctor's appt. in a month and i'll talk to her then.
so, now i'm thinking that i shouldn't pursue this thing with mr. man. why? because i don't think i could be happy in the long run with someone who cannot try new things. i would list the ways here, but it would just be redundant. i just don't think he'd be the sort of person who would happily relocate out of the country or to SC. but, i do like him, quite a bit. i just wish he weren't so set in his ways....unless they are MY ways, then he can be set. whatever.

yeah, okay.

You may already know this

but this is apparently just a blog to bitch in. so, this isn't actually something. this, this is nothing.
but at least it makes me feel better.
Sept. 6 is the day i am officially officially officially not not not project support not ever again.
and then people won't be like "yeah, i see you're drafting...but would you mind...please print out these 40 billion pages and then fax them all yadda yadda yadda.

update on nothing at all

1. I was talking to my friend K who is friends with Miss J (all here at GCA) and apparently J has told K all about her new roomate but somehow neglected to mention that i was dating him. I am glad the air has cleared between K and I, we stopped hanging out after the incident, due to the fact that she was friends with S.
2. Tomorrow is the One month anniversary of the first day Mr. Man and I met. i highly doubt that he knows this.
3. I hate constantly being filled with doubt. it couldn't possibly be unhealthier. that sucks. i really need to change my attitude. i think that will just come with time. or xanax.
(jk)

monday

ah. monday. i dreamt that it was friday. So, let's see. end of last week i was upset due to the J factor, and the idea that maybe Mr Man didn't actually care for me at all, due to a) he's been bad at picking up the phone when i call, and, well, that was pretty much it. then, on friday/saturday, i got really upset due to this chain of events:
i'm out with Robyn and members of her firm, downtown, and i'm like "well, maybe Mr Man would like to join us for a drink" so i text him, asking that. he responds an hour later with "maybe later...just walked in...where are you?" so i text back "currently at foley's, heading to People's Republic to meet Jess at 8:00"
so i head over to cambridge, grab Kat, and we go across the street to the aforementioned dive bar. Jess is running late. no word from the dude. so, reasonably enough, i decide to get trashed. and i talk kat into it too. and Jess, when she shows up. Long story short, he texts at about 10:00 saying "i think i'm just gonna stay in tonight"...
the three of us eventually cross the street again at about 1:00, after learning that the roof our our building was on fire two weeks ago, and kat got asked out, and i ran into someone i work with, and we got invited to three seperate parties....
the next day, in the mid afternoon (after mostly recovering from the imminent hangover), i talked to mr man, and he says that actually, he didn't stay in last night, he decided to go out with J. so, i talk about this issue at length with jess and kat, and come to the conclusion that if i don't talk to him about this, i'm just going to have to break up with him.
head over to his condo at like 6:00, discuss this with him (he has no idea that i feel like he's being unresponsive, he feels that he wasn't being covert about the previous evening because he told me about hanging out with her). The conclusion reached was that he will call more often, and no, i really shouldn't be concerned about J. i mean, I am, but i guess i'm just going to have to see how this all pans out...i'm not concerned about them becoming romantically involved, i'm concerned that his priorities are not going to favor me. and i don't want them to talk about me. and i don't want them to be friends. at all. so there.
but then i hung out all day and she was definitely there so she definitely saw us together. Like, a lot. Stay 'way from my man, bitch!

yeah well

you fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye

~Margaret Atwood

yeah well. i am tired of all this. who wants to ditch this loser country with me?

told ya

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You give and take equally in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

the parent trap, part one thousand

well, i decided to respond to one of my father's emails today...i just don't understand how "do not contact me" can be misconstrued as "contact me lots and lots"....dude, it's not like i'm playing hard to get here....common theme in my life...
so anyway i emailed him and asked him, essentially, what on earth he wants from me.
god i'm glad i don't live anywhere near them anymore.

jealousy and laundry

so, the J Factor continues to annoy me. a lot. to the extent that i am reevaluating this! par example: so J and I , as it turns out, are both on the same project now, as discovered yesterday during the team meeting. Last night, when Mr Man calls at his normal time of 945, we're chatting, chat chat chat, and i'm like "oh! so as it turns out, J is on Louisville with me also!" and he goes "yeah, i know, she told me"
... perhaps this wouldn't be so weird if not for the fact that she and I don't talk, but apparently we both talk to him about each other. i'm so over it. So, i'm like "do you think you guys will get along? (already knowing the answer), and he goes "yeah, i mean, i'm sure it'll be fine at least the first couple months until the new roomate smell wears off and all the cute things she does start to annoy me" um hi. in what world exactly is it okay to discuss the cute things any other woman does unless it is your mother or your sister. Does it not sound like he is discussing a girlfriend? This blows. I think i'd feel better about this if J and I talked, EVER, about this. or, if like, we all hung out together....it's the mystery dynamic. But I don't need to date someone who makes me feel like a jealous bitch all the time. If only I knew what to do in this situation....suggestions, s'il vous plait?

also, i am aware of the fact that i am a pretty fricken insecure person when it comes to relationships, and can even drive people away with said insecurities...(Re: the incident, of May '06) i think i have a strong foundation in not trusting people at all.