Dear 27,
Please, be kind:
Twenty-six was too difficult.
my birthday last year is still too close - did time always go this fast? Last year Mirka took me pizza in Pezinok, to Fesi Restpub in Jur. And I was sad, though surrounded by friends. No one of my family, or of my American friends, called to wish me hello, Happy Birthday, I am thinking of you. It was chilly that evening, as Mirka and Lucka and Jano sat on the patio. I called my father eventually, "don't you know what day it is?"
It was a hard day; a hard year.
Twenty-seven, be kind.
.....................
I still wish i could call him, commiserate: "aren't these birthdays hard, while we are alone?"
I still miss him.
I will never enter a relationship so quick again. I will never plan for a wedding that will never be - never, ever, again. That was the suckiest learning experience I have ever had (I can't emphasize that enough!) I would never choose to experience that. I would erase all of it, to not have that pain.
But it was, and it is, and here I am.
Still truckin'.
..................
I feel that I grew up this year in so many ways! I came back to the US, a place that i was not sure I would ever return. I have felt the pain of this past relationship - without marijuana, or alcohol, or retreating into the arms of a willing rebound. I have decided on a career path that suits my needs as well as wants. I have procured health insurance in America, which is not cost-effective or productive (I do not agree with the current system. 3 cheers to Obama for bringing this to the public realm). I have balanced my budget.
And still, it hurts.
..................
I'm leaving soon, again. I thought I would have it all here, but I don't, and nothing has replaced that loss. So i'm leaving, like I have before, to a new town in a new state. Far enough away, but still close.
27, let this be the place.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Not the fairytale i had imagined.
A lot has been going on, over here in Chucktown Alley, but every time i try to come up with a cohesive blog post - because i'm so reliable like that - it just gets too overwhelming.
To sum up my emotional state lately, here's a nice, transparent "story" for you:
******************
A Crappy Love Story, by Sa
----------------------------------
Girl lives in Europe, and is having a kickin' time. She's learning a new language and a new way of life and couldn't ask for anything...except, maybe, she's a little bit lonely sometimes.
Girl meets Boy during her 6-week mid-summer trip home. Boy is amazo. Boy is everything Girl could've asked for. Not believing her luck, Girl says:
"Hey Boy. I live in Central Europe. Come with me, to there, and let's teach english and travel and eat interesting food and be in love!"
Boy comes to central Europe, but without a dime in his pocket, not even the money to reimburse Girl for his plane ticket. Girl doesn't find out until she asks. Girl is dismayed, but Boy is so sweet and so kind, well, he can pay her back later.
Girl finds Boy work, they move into a different apartment, fall more deeply in love.
But, Boy is often sullen or angry. So Girl tries harder to make him happy.
Boy chain smokes and plays hours of computer games, writes bizarre emails filled with lies to friends back home. Boy occasionally has outbursts that end with Girl crying. Girl says:
"You can't do that to me. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Do that again, and I'll leave."
Boy does it again, and again, and again.
Girl doesn't leave. Girl is convinced that it is true love, and, hey. Boy keeps promising he'll change! And Girl really, really wants it to work.
Boy loses job, and doesn't look for another. Girl says:
"we can't support ourselves here. Let's go home and you'll finish college. we'll get jobs and a house and a dog and you won't be so angry there. Please."
It is important, in this story, to know that the Boy was often nice. They would hike and drink beer and snuggle and talk about their future plans. But, as we know, sometimes Boy wasn't so nice.
And so they went back to America. They struggled with finding work. Girl got a car, and a cell phone, and arranged for the two of them to house-sit. It was a nice time, warm and full of promises.
A week before G&B moved into their house-sitting house, the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, and Boy raged all weekend as Girl cried. The story would have ended then, but Girl's father liked Boy (they were, unfortunately, very similar people), and Girl let her father persuade her into giving Boy another chance.
They moved in together, with little money and one car. Girl prayed for it to be happier. But Boy kept breaking promises, about going back to school, about finding work, and would never, ever, talk rationally with Girl about these things. Then one day, Girl asked Boy to go to the beach, and Boy was angry and ignored her, even though the water had a strong current and Girl was afraid. She made plans to see her girlfriends that evening, and Boy, incensed, packed his belongings and in a rage, left.
Girl was devastated and confused, and so let Boy come back three days later. But not two weeks after their glorious reunion, Girl was kicked in the face, accidentally, by a drunk friend (Girl was the designated driver that night). When Girl got home, upset and mildly bruised, Boy was furious at her for daring to get kicked in the face. Girl was stupid and let people use her, Boy said. Girl doesn't stand up for herself. Girl doesn't know what's good for her.
But Girl did, despite what Boy said. And girl made him leave, for good this time, then packed up her belongings and returned sadly to her parent's home.
Like anyone would, Girl spent the month of August trying to recover from the damage done. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of tears, and a lot of wondering "why?"
Boy spent a month emailing her and calling and texting and "dropping by" Girl's friend's houses, and leaving poems outside her parent's house and calling her parent's house phone and leaving long, sad voice mails promising everything that Girl could ever want. But Girl had been hurt badly, and wasn't willing to believe him anymore.
Girl had to block him from her email, her cell phone, and firmly state over and over that they were finished - even though she really would've preferred to believe him when he said that he'd changed.
About a month after their breakup, Girl found a website on emotional and verbal abuse. It all clicked. To this day, Girl is still working through this. But Girl is beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Girl believes that she will come out of this a stronger person.
****************************
bleh bleh bleh. that was mildly therapeutic. Maybe, hopefully, I am reaching the acceptance stage of grief. Lord knows i've been working myself through the stages...slowly..oh..so..slowly.
To sum up my emotional state lately, here's a nice, transparent "story" for you:
******************
A Crappy Love Story, by Sa
----------------------------------
Girl lives in Europe, and is having a kickin' time. She's learning a new language and a new way of life and couldn't ask for anything...except, maybe, she's a little bit lonely sometimes.
Girl meets Boy during her 6-week mid-summer trip home. Boy is amazo. Boy is everything Girl could've asked for. Not believing her luck, Girl says:
"Hey Boy. I live in Central Europe. Come with me, to there, and let's teach english and travel and eat interesting food and be in love!"
Boy comes to central Europe, but without a dime in his pocket, not even the money to reimburse Girl for his plane ticket. Girl doesn't find out until she asks. Girl is dismayed, but Boy is so sweet and so kind, well, he can pay her back later.
Girl finds Boy work, they move into a different apartment, fall more deeply in love.
But, Boy is often sullen or angry. So Girl tries harder to make him happy.
Boy chain smokes and plays hours of computer games, writes bizarre emails filled with lies to friends back home. Boy occasionally has outbursts that end with Girl crying. Girl says:
"You can't do that to me. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Do that again, and I'll leave."
Boy does it again, and again, and again.
Girl doesn't leave. Girl is convinced that it is true love, and, hey. Boy keeps promising he'll change! And Girl really, really wants it to work.
Boy loses job, and doesn't look for another. Girl says:
"we can't support ourselves here. Let's go home and you'll finish college. we'll get jobs and a house and a dog and you won't be so angry there. Please."
It is important, in this story, to know that the Boy was often nice. They would hike and drink beer and snuggle and talk about their future plans. But, as we know, sometimes Boy wasn't so nice.
And so they went back to America. They struggled with finding work. Girl got a car, and a cell phone, and arranged for the two of them to house-sit. It was a nice time, warm and full of promises.
A week before G&B moved into their house-sitting house, the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, and Boy raged all weekend as Girl cried. The story would have ended then, but Girl's father liked Boy (they were, unfortunately, very similar people), and Girl let her father persuade her into giving Boy another chance.
They moved in together, with little money and one car. Girl prayed for it to be happier. But Boy kept breaking promises, about going back to school, about finding work, and would never, ever, talk rationally with Girl about these things. Then one day, Girl asked Boy to go to the beach, and Boy was angry and ignored her, even though the water had a strong current and Girl was afraid. She made plans to see her girlfriends that evening, and Boy, incensed, packed his belongings and in a rage, left.
Girl was devastated and confused, and so let Boy come back three days later. But not two weeks after their glorious reunion, Girl was kicked in the face, accidentally, by a drunk friend (Girl was the designated driver that night). When Girl got home, upset and mildly bruised, Boy was furious at her for daring to get kicked in the face. Girl was stupid and let people use her, Boy said. Girl doesn't stand up for herself. Girl doesn't know what's good for her.
But Girl did, despite what Boy said. And girl made him leave, for good this time, then packed up her belongings and returned sadly to her parent's home.
Like anyone would, Girl spent the month of August trying to recover from the damage done. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of tears, and a lot of wondering "why?"
Boy spent a month emailing her and calling and texting and "dropping by" Girl's friend's houses, and leaving poems outside her parent's house and calling her parent's house phone and leaving long, sad voice mails promising everything that Girl could ever want. But Girl had been hurt badly, and wasn't willing to believe him anymore.
Girl had to block him from her email, her cell phone, and firmly state over and over that they were finished - even though she really would've preferred to believe him when he said that he'd changed.
About a month after their breakup, Girl found a website on emotional and verbal abuse. It all clicked. To this day, Girl is still working through this. But Girl is beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Girl believes that she will come out of this a stronger person.
****************************
bleh bleh bleh. that was mildly therapeutic. Maybe, hopefully, I am reaching the acceptance stage of grief. Lord knows i've been working myself through the stages...slowly..oh..so..slowly.
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