the situation
Today I'm moving out of the house where I've been house-sitting, and back into my parent's house.....yessssss. Isn't that every parent's dream? to have their 26-year-old daughter to move back home?
I was never meant to house-sit alone, the plan was created with The Ex. I don't like living alone, I haven't in three years, and I've found it particularly difficult to go through a rough breakup in a big, empty, house. And I'm trying and trying to let it go, this relationship which wasn't all peaches and roses and kittens, which completely bypassed the team-iness of a relationship, and it sucks.
He keeps contacting me, texting me night after night, and it feels like a slap in the face every time.
I house-sat here before, in the July before I left for slovakia. That time, i was full of excitement and trepidation, and I loved being here in the evenings - to settle down on the loveseat with a vodka gimlet and a travel book.
I remember a sort of peace about that time, and was hoping that I would find it again this year. I had a lot of hopes about these first few months in Charleston, as my diary will attest, hopes that the Ex would get his life going, apply himself, and prove himself to be a different person than in Slovakia. But he didn't, and he hasn't, and now he won't stop contacting me.
What Helps:
1.I made a list of ten reasons why I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, and I read it when I feel like I might jump out of my skin with the desire to take it all back. It helps.
2. I've made the breakup known to my family and friends, and provided an edited version of why, and that helps, too. I am thankful for my support system.
3. Chocolate has its place, but drinking doesn't help - I found that after a glass of wine, i am much more teary, and much more sentimental.
4. A list of what I actually want in a partner (#1 being NICE) helps too.
5. I've been driving to a barrier island each day for my temp job. The long drive, the water, the marsh, and the spanish moss hanging over the road - they help.
6. My cute sundresses help (i guess because i look in the mirror and think how adorable i am.)
7. Light, happy books help. I'm a big reader, and now i am happy to fall into bed during the afternoon (the worst time) with a stack of novels. Currently, I'm reading: Sweet Valley Twins (long story), "The Good Fairies of New York", a book about mermaids, and some others.
so
I know it will get better. I mean, crap. nothing ever stays the same. When I was 18, and my first love broke up with me, I woke up every morning feeling like I had a weight on my chest. And then, one day - about a month later, I woke up and and it was missing. poof. I hope for the same with this.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
up, down, turn around...
piiiick a bale of cotton.
so.
1. Michael and I broke up yesterday, for the third time this month. third times the charm? I don't know. As much as I love him, I can't be happy in a relationship where we are arguing all. the. time. We fought on friday, we fought several times on saturday, we continued the late-night fight into sunday morning. And on Sunday night? we fought about how much we've been fighting.
sounds funny but it isn't.
My mother never broke up with her michael, and she's been arguing and crying for 36 years. I would rather spend a month sad to make the rest of my life happier. I think it will stick, too. He took me off of facebook and myspace, and told me to take his number out of my phone.
I know it's silly, but when he deleted my friendship on the interwebs, it sunk in the most. La says it's better this way. A clean break.
I am on day 2 (post breakup). I feel weighted. I keep reminding myself that it is normal, and expected, to feel sad right now. but still...SUCK.
2. I signed up with a new employment agency yesterday (my appointment immediately followed the breakup, i drove there trying to hold in tears so as to not ruin the makeup). They've already found me work! It's a temporary position, for about a month, and it's 5 hours a day. It's on an island south of charleston, doing admin work for a golf course. Heck Yeah! any income is good income, and it will be a relief not to be sitting around, THINKING (thought + extraneous time = horrible for the post-break up chick).
3. I went to goodwill today with La, and found three summer dresses. Being in the south, these are actually like round-the-year-dresses. I'm wearing a red, fitted, polka-dotted sundress now, and i feel adorable. A polka-dotted red sundress goes well with my magenta toenails and my white convertible.
so.
1. Michael and I broke up yesterday, for the third time this month. third times the charm? I don't know. As much as I love him, I can't be happy in a relationship where we are arguing all. the. time. We fought on friday, we fought several times on saturday, we continued the late-night fight into sunday morning. And on Sunday night? we fought about how much we've been fighting.
sounds funny but it isn't.
My mother never broke up with her michael, and she's been arguing and crying for 36 years. I would rather spend a month sad to make the rest of my life happier. I think it will stick, too. He took me off of facebook and myspace, and told me to take his number out of my phone.
I know it's silly, but when he deleted my friendship on the interwebs, it sunk in the most. La says it's better this way. A clean break.
I am on day 2 (post breakup). I feel weighted. I keep reminding myself that it is normal, and expected, to feel sad right now. but still...SUCK.
2. I signed up with a new employment agency yesterday (my appointment immediately followed the breakup, i drove there trying to hold in tears so as to not ruin the makeup). They've already found me work! It's a temporary position, for about a month, and it's 5 hours a day. It's on an island south of charleston, doing admin work for a golf course. Heck Yeah! any income is good income, and it will be a relief not to be sitting around, THINKING (thought + extraneous time = horrible for the post-break up chick).
3. I went to goodwill today with La, and found three summer dresses. Being in the south, these are actually like round-the-year-dresses. I'm wearing a red, fitted, polka-dotted sundress now, and i feel adorable. A polka-dotted red sundress goes well with my magenta toenails and my white convertible.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
frolic frolic frolic
Between summer 2005 and now, I've returned to Charleston for one reason: vacation. and, okay, that one time my awesome friend got married...but between the bachelorette party and the spring-like weather - okay, yeah, that was another vacation.
so let's recap. in the past 4 years, every time i've come home has been for a break from one gray city or another. Is it any wonder that it's taken some time for me to get into the swing of things, now that it's less of a mini-break and more of a...um, life?
.................
I'm still searching, now frantically, for a job. what...the...helllll... yuck, i've never had to work so hard JUST ON THIS PART. and while I'm clicking my heels and driving this way and that, employers seem to be lounging on their laurels. damn it! i'm looking at another ramen weekend. it's a friend's birthday on saturday, and after wracking my brain about how to afford a night out dining, drinking, and dancing, I offered to be her designated driver. This way, I get to spend quality time with some friends - and probably even manage to dance -and the only thing I'm sacrificing is a nasty hangover on sunday (and a negative balance in my bank account).
..................
michael brought me beautiful flowers today, and took me to the beach. We swam across to the sandbar, and i frolicked (i did. i frolicked) in the warm pools of water as he collected large shells. The swim across was excellent and a good workout - i would say about twice the length of a big ol' swimming pool? I've been nervous about doing that since two people drowned off of sullivan's island in the past two weeks (horrible) (they were yankees), but it was awesome. Other people were there, swimming, surfing, paddleboarding, and windsurfing. Ack! i want a job so i can afford fun water sports!
...................
in other news, i have a fricken' excellent tan. is GORGEOUS.
...................
a friend from slovakia commented on my facebook profile picture, one in which i am frolicking. (i frolic. it's what i do.) Translated, i believe it means, "sara, you are beaching!"
yes, mirka. I am beaching.
:-)
so let's recap. in the past 4 years, every time i've come home has been for a break from one gray city or another. Is it any wonder that it's taken some time for me to get into the swing of things, now that it's less of a mini-break and more of a...um, life?
.................
I'm still searching, now frantically, for a job. what...the...helllll... yuck, i've never had to work so hard JUST ON THIS PART. and while I'm clicking my heels and driving this way and that, employers seem to be lounging on their laurels. damn it! i'm looking at another ramen weekend. it's a friend's birthday on saturday, and after wracking my brain about how to afford a night out dining, drinking, and dancing, I offered to be her designated driver. This way, I get to spend quality time with some friends - and probably even manage to dance -and the only thing I'm sacrificing is a nasty hangover on sunday (and a negative balance in my bank account).
..................
michael brought me beautiful flowers today, and took me to the beach. We swam across to the sandbar, and i frolicked (i did. i frolicked) in the warm pools of water as he collected large shells. The swim across was excellent and a good workout - i would say about twice the length of a big ol' swimming pool? I've been nervous about doing that since two people drowned off of sullivan's island in the past two weeks (horrible) (they were yankees), but it was awesome. Other people were there, swimming, surfing, paddleboarding, and windsurfing. Ack! i want a job so i can afford fun water sports!
...................
in other news, i have a fricken' excellent tan. is GORGEOUS.
...................
a friend from slovakia commented on my facebook profile picture, one in which i am frolicking. (i frolic. it's what i do.) Translated, i believe it means, "sara, you are beaching!"
yes, mirka. I am beaching.
:-)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
the floating world.
This morning i wrote part of a draft of a blog where I talked about how, ever since i returned to SC, lo these 2 months, I've felt like i was floating.
floating on without a job, without a true purpose, without hobbies, with a relationship that may or may not be going anywhere.
Then, this afternoon, I received a scathing 3-page letter from my eccentric aunt in Florida. Mind you, I haven't seen this aunt since my grandmother's funeral six years ago, but she had no qualms to tell me it like it is. or she *thinks* it is. In less vague terms,
"the world is your oyster, and you are just drifting...i expect you to not listen, to not follow my advice, and to...do, who knows what. It kills me to see you drifting. Time. Marches. On"
wow, um, thanks for your input? I do so love to be kicked when I'm down.
They have been strange, these months. On one hand it truly is delightful, having family (crazy folk notwithstanding) and friends nearby, but on the other hand i still haven't found my niche here. and it is frustrating when i didn't expect it to be. I feel blindsided, and whiny (well, thank goodness for the blog, huh?), and I am starting to think I am depressed.
I'm applying for jobs that I wouldn't have taken four years ago and being turned away because I'm too qualified. I'm "talking down" my resume in order to get a job at one of your local big-box stores, and wondering when i'll be called back for a job that i do actually qualify for.
I am working on becoming registered to teach High School in this state. I think that would kick ass.
My boy, or my ex-boy, are talking, but it seems that most of that talking is arguing. so.
I don't know. These are low times.
floating on without a job, without a true purpose, without hobbies, with a relationship that may or may not be going anywhere.
Then, this afternoon, I received a scathing 3-page letter from my eccentric aunt in Florida. Mind you, I haven't seen this aunt since my grandmother's funeral six years ago, but she had no qualms to tell me it like it is. or she *thinks* it is. In less vague terms,
"the world is your oyster, and you are just drifting...i expect you to not listen, to not follow my advice, and to...do, who knows what. It kills me to see you drifting. Time. Marches. On"
wow, um, thanks for your input? I do so love to be kicked when I'm down.
They have been strange, these months. On one hand it truly is delightful, having family (crazy folk notwithstanding) and friends nearby, but on the other hand i still haven't found my niche here. and it is frustrating when i didn't expect it to be. I feel blindsided, and whiny (well, thank goodness for the blog, huh?), and I am starting to think I am depressed.
I'm applying for jobs that I wouldn't have taken four years ago and being turned away because I'm too qualified. I'm "talking down" my resume in order to get a job at one of your local big-box stores, and wondering when i'll be called back for a job that i do actually qualify for.
I am working on becoming registered to teach High School in this state. I think that would kick ass.
My boy, or my ex-boy, are talking, but it seems that most of that talking is arguing. so.
I don't know. These are low times.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
heartbreak hotel
room for one, please.
so, just shy of one year, my BF and I have called it quits. Call it irreconcilable differences, call it what-have-you, but i say it feels like someone ice-cream scooped out my chest cavity while simultaneously turning my tear ducts to "on."
i know that in will be better in the long run, but right now it just feels like suck.
(anastasia book excerpt)
Anastasia: "dad, what does heartbreak feel like?"
Dad: "Like a bad stomachache. That lasts for six months"
out,
sara
so, just shy of one year, my BF and I have called it quits. Call it irreconcilable differences, call it what-have-you, but i say it feels like someone ice-cream scooped out my chest cavity while simultaneously turning my tear ducts to "on."
i know that in will be better in the long run, but right now it just feels like suck.
(anastasia book excerpt)
Anastasia: "dad, what does heartbreak feel like?"
Dad: "Like a bad stomachache. That lasts for six months"
out,
sara
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