she's coming into your (my) world.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Mountains and milkshakes
Leaving the mountains to go to the sea, there is a point where you can see all of south carolina stretched in front of you. It fades into a blue foggy smoke in the distance, and you know that just beyond, lies the ocean.
things which are true:
1. i say "ooh la la" a lot. Today it got a funny look from a burger king employee as she handed me my small oreo cookie shake, during my mandatory gas-break in spartanburg, south carolina. On the drive from C-Town to A-ville, I need to stop for gas once - right before I reach the North Carolina border, as gas prices rise 20 cents upon re-entry. The shake, by the way, was both delicious and enormous. Next time i decide i need a shake, i'm totally going to tell them to fill HALF my quote-unquote small milkshake cup, which might make it easier to finish the whole thing.
2. south carolina is suprisingly warm, and so is north carolina. I feel vindicated by the weather, as if i've beaten the system. Ha ha!, i think. it's november and i'm in a short skirt with bare legs!
3. I'm happy to be back, north of the border. I have a to-do list THIS BIG, to accomplish asap, otherwise known as now.
TO DO:
buy couch
buy tv
organize kitchen
organize life
get dog (!!!)
...there are many exciting this to do. life is good.
things which are true:
1. i say "ooh la la" a lot. Today it got a funny look from a burger king employee as she handed me my small oreo cookie shake, during my mandatory gas-break in spartanburg, south carolina. On the drive from C-Town to A-ville, I need to stop for gas once - right before I reach the North Carolina border, as gas prices rise 20 cents upon re-entry. The shake, by the way, was both delicious and enormous. Next time i decide i need a shake, i'm totally going to tell them to fill HALF my quote-unquote small milkshake cup, which might make it easier to finish the whole thing.
2. south carolina is suprisingly warm, and so is north carolina. I feel vindicated by the weather, as if i've beaten the system. Ha ha!, i think. it's november and i'm in a short skirt with bare legs!
3. I'm happy to be back, north of the border. I have a to-do list THIS BIG, to accomplish asap, otherwise known as now.
TO DO:
buy couch
buy tv
organize kitchen
organize life
get dog (!!!)
...there are many exciting this to do. life is good.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
A Happy Post
Today was Continuation of Moving Day. I am almost done couch hopping//extended visiting//living with peeps, or at least i will be on sunday. Me being me, I like to punctuate all moves with a trip somewhere, so i will have a limbo weekend up in Chucktown Alley before "actually" moving into my apartment, in which i will (drumroll please):
-go to an artsy event, twice*
-fetch my drafting table (mostly for sewing now)
-enjoy a family EARLY thanksgiving, thanks to work , that i insisted on.
-stay in the big fluffy bed at La's house, and eat brownies, watch Mystery Science Theater, comment in books, and go to goodwill(s).
-see my favorite brother
Etcetera!
*this posed a problem at first, i knew of Event 1, but not Event 2, and so therefore had only planned one killer outfit. Frye-ish boots save the day!
AND THEN,
AFTER I GET BACK,
*******************
**********
*****
(i will get a dog!)
-go to an artsy event, twice*
-fetch my drafting table (mostly for sewing now)
-enjoy a family EARLY thanksgiving, thanks to work , that i insisted on.
-stay in the big fluffy bed at La's house, and eat brownies, watch Mystery Science Theater, comment in books, and go to goodwill(s).
-see my favorite brother
Etcetera!
*this posed a problem at first, i knew of Event 1, but not Event 2, and so therefore had only planned one killer outfit. Frye-ish boots save the day!
AND THEN,
AFTER I GET BACK,
*******************
**********
*****
(i will get a dog!)
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
So much update, so little motivation
It's been about six weeks (?) since i posted last - so much has happened but i never seemed to find words or the inclination to write about it. I let myself have that break, and i appreciated it.
It's been strange, and good, and comfortable, and lonely around here. I know it seems like an oxymoron, comfortable and lonely...but c'est la vie. This move was different from my other moves since college (to recap, Boston and Slovakia). This move did not fill me with excitement and trepidation, i was not filled with hope. If anything, I slunk away to North Carolina, to lick my wounds in peace. To find solace.
And so it began. I came here on a monday, my convertible only semi-full of suitcases, everything else safely in storage. And on tuesday, it rained. And it rained and rained and rained, until i joked about building an ark.
But instead i shined myself up real pretty, and i found a job cocktail waitressing in a fancy retreat serving fancy drinks to fancy people. At my job, i have a nearly 360 degree view of mountains. Customers ask and i answer knowledgeably now, or pretend to:
"these are the Blue Ridge Mountains, and that one, the tallest, is Mount Pisgah"
There are microbreweries here, like i was in New England, where we can sit outside and shell peanuts and drink IPAs or Pale Ales.
I found a neighborhood to live in, filled with taquerias and irish pubs, music clubs, thrift stores, bike shops, book stores, coffee shops.
I am moving, now, from my dear friends' guest room, to this neighborhood. To a white shingled victorian house, with glass door knobs and a basement, a large green yard, and a front porch large enough for at least ten chairs, shaded by Junipers.
I miss many things, but it defines me less and less. I have nightmares where he comes back and I'm forced to make the same choice again and again, breaking my heart each time. Or worse, a nightmare where I come back to him and he turns me away. It's been three months - so long! I've been away from slovakia almost six months - so long! I have felt in limbo for these months, stupid, horrible, difficult limbo.
But now, i have purchased a mattress and refinished a dresser. I am cleaning windows and sweeping front porches and i know that this is no limbo, this is becoming comfortable, this is nesting, this is growing into my life.
It's been strange, and good, and comfortable, and lonely around here. I know it seems like an oxymoron, comfortable and lonely...but c'est la vie. This move was different from my other moves since college (to recap, Boston and Slovakia). This move did not fill me with excitement and trepidation, i was not filled with hope. If anything, I slunk away to North Carolina, to lick my wounds in peace. To find solace.
And so it began. I came here on a monday, my convertible only semi-full of suitcases, everything else safely in storage. And on tuesday, it rained. And it rained and rained and rained, until i joked about building an ark.
But instead i shined myself up real pretty, and i found a job cocktail waitressing in a fancy retreat serving fancy drinks to fancy people. At my job, i have a nearly 360 degree view of mountains. Customers ask and i answer knowledgeably now, or pretend to:
"these are the Blue Ridge Mountains, and that one, the tallest, is Mount Pisgah"
There are microbreweries here, like i was in New England, where we can sit outside and shell peanuts and drink IPAs or Pale Ales.
I found a neighborhood to live in, filled with taquerias and irish pubs, music clubs, thrift stores, bike shops, book stores, coffee shops.
I am moving, now, from my dear friends' guest room, to this neighborhood. To a white shingled victorian house, with glass door knobs and a basement, a large green yard, and a front porch large enough for at least ten chairs, shaded by Junipers.
I miss many things, but it defines me less and less. I have nightmares where he comes back and I'm forced to make the same choice again and again, breaking my heart each time. Or worse, a nightmare where I come back to him and he turns me away. It's been three months - so long! I've been away from slovakia almost six months - so long! I have felt in limbo for these months, stupid, horrible, difficult limbo.
But now, i have purchased a mattress and refinished a dresser. I am cleaning windows and sweeping front porches and i know that this is no limbo, this is becoming comfortable, this is nesting, this is growing into my life.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Dear 27:
Dear 27,
Please, be kind:
Twenty-six was too difficult.
my birthday last year is still too close - did time always go this fast? Last year Mirka took me pizza in Pezinok, to Fesi Restpub in Jur. And I was sad, though surrounded by friends. No one of my family, or of my American friends, called to wish me hello, Happy Birthday, I am thinking of you. It was chilly that evening, as Mirka and Lucka and Jano sat on the patio. I called my father eventually, "don't you know what day it is?"
It was a hard day; a hard year.
Twenty-seven, be kind.
.....................
I still wish i could call him, commiserate: "aren't these birthdays hard, while we are alone?"
I still miss him.
I will never enter a relationship so quick again. I will never plan for a wedding that will never be - never, ever, again. That was the suckiest learning experience I have ever had (I can't emphasize that enough!) I would never choose to experience that. I would erase all of it, to not have that pain.
But it was, and it is, and here I am.
Still truckin'.
..................
I feel that I grew up this year in so many ways! I came back to the US, a place that i was not sure I would ever return. I have felt the pain of this past relationship - without marijuana, or alcohol, or retreating into the arms of a willing rebound. I have decided on a career path that suits my needs as well as wants. I have procured health insurance in America, which is not cost-effective or productive (I do not agree with the current system. 3 cheers to Obama for bringing this to the public realm). I have balanced my budget.
And still, it hurts.
..................
I'm leaving soon, again. I thought I would have it all here, but I don't, and nothing has replaced that loss. So i'm leaving, like I have before, to a new town in a new state. Far enough away, but still close.
27, let this be the place.
Please, be kind:
Twenty-six was too difficult.
my birthday last year is still too close - did time always go this fast? Last year Mirka took me pizza in Pezinok, to Fesi Restpub in Jur. And I was sad, though surrounded by friends. No one of my family, or of my American friends, called to wish me hello, Happy Birthday, I am thinking of you. It was chilly that evening, as Mirka and Lucka and Jano sat on the patio. I called my father eventually, "don't you know what day it is?"
It was a hard day; a hard year.
Twenty-seven, be kind.
.....................
I still wish i could call him, commiserate: "aren't these birthdays hard, while we are alone?"
I still miss him.
I will never enter a relationship so quick again. I will never plan for a wedding that will never be - never, ever, again. That was the suckiest learning experience I have ever had (I can't emphasize that enough!) I would never choose to experience that. I would erase all of it, to not have that pain.
But it was, and it is, and here I am.
Still truckin'.
..................
I feel that I grew up this year in so many ways! I came back to the US, a place that i was not sure I would ever return. I have felt the pain of this past relationship - without marijuana, or alcohol, or retreating into the arms of a willing rebound. I have decided on a career path that suits my needs as well as wants. I have procured health insurance in America, which is not cost-effective or productive (I do not agree with the current system. 3 cheers to Obama for bringing this to the public realm). I have balanced my budget.
And still, it hurts.
..................
I'm leaving soon, again. I thought I would have it all here, but I don't, and nothing has replaced that loss. So i'm leaving, like I have before, to a new town in a new state. Far enough away, but still close.
27, let this be the place.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Not the fairytale i had imagined.
A lot has been going on, over here in Chucktown Alley, but every time i try to come up with a cohesive blog post - because i'm so reliable like that - it just gets too overwhelming.
To sum up my emotional state lately, here's a nice, transparent "story" for you:
******************
A Crappy Love Story, by Sa
----------------------------------
Girl lives in Europe, and is having a kickin' time. She's learning a new language and a new way of life and couldn't ask for anything...except, maybe, she's a little bit lonely sometimes.
Girl meets Boy during her 6-week mid-summer trip home. Boy is amazo. Boy is everything Girl could've asked for. Not believing her luck, Girl says:
"Hey Boy. I live in Central Europe. Come with me, to there, and let's teach english and travel and eat interesting food and be in love!"
Boy comes to central Europe, but without a dime in his pocket, not even the money to reimburse Girl for his plane ticket. Girl doesn't find out until she asks. Girl is dismayed, but Boy is so sweet and so kind, well, he can pay her back later.
Girl finds Boy work, they move into a different apartment, fall more deeply in love.
But, Boy is often sullen or angry. So Girl tries harder to make him happy.
Boy chain smokes and plays hours of computer games, writes bizarre emails filled with lies to friends back home. Boy occasionally has outbursts that end with Girl crying. Girl says:
"You can't do that to me. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Do that again, and I'll leave."
Boy does it again, and again, and again.
Girl doesn't leave. Girl is convinced that it is true love, and, hey. Boy keeps promising he'll change! And Girl really, really wants it to work.
Boy loses job, and doesn't look for another. Girl says:
"we can't support ourselves here. Let's go home and you'll finish college. we'll get jobs and a house and a dog and you won't be so angry there. Please."
It is important, in this story, to know that the Boy was often nice. They would hike and drink beer and snuggle and talk about their future plans. But, as we know, sometimes Boy wasn't so nice.
And so they went back to America. They struggled with finding work. Girl got a car, and a cell phone, and arranged for the two of them to house-sit. It was a nice time, warm and full of promises.
A week before G&B moved into their house-sitting house, the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, and Boy raged all weekend as Girl cried. The story would have ended then, but Girl's father liked Boy (they were, unfortunately, very similar people), and Girl let her father persuade her into giving Boy another chance.
They moved in together, with little money and one car. Girl prayed for it to be happier. But Boy kept breaking promises, about going back to school, about finding work, and would never, ever, talk rationally with Girl about these things. Then one day, Girl asked Boy to go to the beach, and Boy was angry and ignored her, even though the water had a strong current and Girl was afraid. She made plans to see her girlfriends that evening, and Boy, incensed, packed his belongings and in a rage, left.
Girl was devastated and confused, and so let Boy come back three days later. But not two weeks after their glorious reunion, Girl was kicked in the face, accidentally, by a drunk friend (Girl was the designated driver that night). When Girl got home, upset and mildly bruised, Boy was furious at her for daring to get kicked in the face. Girl was stupid and let people use her, Boy said. Girl doesn't stand up for herself. Girl doesn't know what's good for her.
But Girl did, despite what Boy said. And girl made him leave, for good this time, then packed up her belongings and returned sadly to her parent's home.
Like anyone would, Girl spent the month of August trying to recover from the damage done. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of tears, and a lot of wondering "why?"
Boy spent a month emailing her and calling and texting and "dropping by" Girl's friend's houses, and leaving poems outside her parent's house and calling her parent's house phone and leaving long, sad voice mails promising everything that Girl could ever want. But Girl had been hurt badly, and wasn't willing to believe him anymore.
Girl had to block him from her email, her cell phone, and firmly state over and over that they were finished - even though she really would've preferred to believe him when he said that he'd changed.
About a month after their breakup, Girl found a website on emotional and verbal abuse. It all clicked. To this day, Girl is still working through this. But Girl is beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Girl believes that she will come out of this a stronger person.
****************************
bleh bleh bleh. that was mildly therapeutic. Maybe, hopefully, I am reaching the acceptance stage of grief. Lord knows i've been working myself through the stages...slowly..oh..so..slowly.
To sum up my emotional state lately, here's a nice, transparent "story" for you:
******************
A Crappy Love Story, by Sa
----------------------------------
Girl lives in Europe, and is having a kickin' time. She's learning a new language and a new way of life and couldn't ask for anything...except, maybe, she's a little bit lonely sometimes.
Girl meets Boy during her 6-week mid-summer trip home. Boy is amazo. Boy is everything Girl could've asked for. Not believing her luck, Girl says:
"Hey Boy. I live in Central Europe. Come with me, to there, and let's teach english and travel and eat interesting food and be in love!"
Boy comes to central Europe, but without a dime in his pocket, not even the money to reimburse Girl for his plane ticket. Girl doesn't find out until she asks. Girl is dismayed, but Boy is so sweet and so kind, well, he can pay her back later.
Girl finds Boy work, they move into a different apartment, fall more deeply in love.
But, Boy is often sullen or angry. So Girl tries harder to make him happy.
Boy chain smokes and plays hours of computer games, writes bizarre emails filled with lies to friends back home. Boy occasionally has outbursts that end with Girl crying. Girl says:
"You can't do that to me. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Do that again, and I'll leave."
Boy does it again, and again, and again.
Girl doesn't leave. Girl is convinced that it is true love, and, hey. Boy keeps promising he'll change! And Girl really, really wants it to work.
Boy loses job, and doesn't look for another. Girl says:
"we can't support ourselves here. Let's go home and you'll finish college. we'll get jobs and a house and a dog and you won't be so angry there. Please."
It is important, in this story, to know that the Boy was often nice. They would hike and drink beer and snuggle and talk about their future plans. But, as we know, sometimes Boy wasn't so nice.
And so they went back to America. They struggled with finding work. Girl got a car, and a cell phone, and arranged for the two of them to house-sit. It was a nice time, warm and full of promises.
A week before G&B moved into their house-sitting house, the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, and Boy raged all weekend as Girl cried. The story would have ended then, but Girl's father liked Boy (they were, unfortunately, very similar people), and Girl let her father persuade her into giving Boy another chance.
They moved in together, with little money and one car. Girl prayed for it to be happier. But Boy kept breaking promises, about going back to school, about finding work, and would never, ever, talk rationally with Girl about these things. Then one day, Girl asked Boy to go to the beach, and Boy was angry and ignored her, even though the water had a strong current and Girl was afraid. She made plans to see her girlfriends that evening, and Boy, incensed, packed his belongings and in a rage, left.
Girl was devastated and confused, and so let Boy come back three days later. But not two weeks after their glorious reunion, Girl was kicked in the face, accidentally, by a drunk friend (Girl was the designated driver that night). When Girl got home, upset and mildly bruised, Boy was furious at her for daring to get kicked in the face. Girl was stupid and let people use her, Boy said. Girl doesn't stand up for herself. Girl doesn't know what's good for her.
But Girl did, despite what Boy said. And girl made him leave, for good this time, then packed up her belongings and returned sadly to her parent's home.
Like anyone would, Girl spent the month of August trying to recover from the damage done. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of tears, and a lot of wondering "why?"
Boy spent a month emailing her and calling and texting and "dropping by" Girl's friend's houses, and leaving poems outside her parent's house and calling her parent's house phone and leaving long, sad voice mails promising everything that Girl could ever want. But Girl had been hurt badly, and wasn't willing to believe him anymore.
Girl had to block him from her email, her cell phone, and firmly state over and over that they were finished - even though she really would've preferred to believe him when he said that he'd changed.
About a month after their breakup, Girl found a website on emotional and verbal abuse. It all clicked. To this day, Girl is still working through this. But Girl is beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Girl believes that she will come out of this a stronger person.
****************************
bleh bleh bleh. that was mildly therapeutic. Maybe, hopefully, I am reaching the acceptance stage of grief. Lord knows i've been working myself through the stages...slowly..oh..so..slowly.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
cycles of abuse
ah, so close to home. now i know why he is obsessed with getting me back.
Great article, copied from http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm
The classic abusive relationship is characterized by a three-stage cycle that may or may not be visible to outsiders.
Victim Beware: You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem!
The Tension-Building Stage:
The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.
The Abuse Stage:
A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.
The Remorse Stage:
Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.
As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.
The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle.
Doc's Advice: Trust ACTIONS, not words.
Great article, copied from http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm
The classic abusive relationship is characterized by a three-stage cycle that may or may not be visible to outsiders.
Victim Beware: You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem!
The Tension-Building Stage:
The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.
The Abuse Stage:
A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.
The Remorse Stage:
Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.
As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.
The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle.
Doc's Advice: Trust ACTIONS, not words.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Detox
On saturday morning, i woke up to a swollen lymph node on the right side of my neck. My mother, a nurse, seems unconcerned, telling me that my body is just fighting off an infection. I am more anxious, I have no other symptoms other than a painfully swollen lymph node, which i've been referring to as My Little Goiter.
M.L.G. did coincide with The Ex's birthday. I had been agonizing over this day, to me it seemed cruel/wrong/sad to not call someone who, up until recently, I have loved. But the rule I have followed the past four weeks is No Contact - and no contact means no contact means no contact. So I ran to the next town over to spend the night with my best friend and her family, and wearily watched for a text or call. When one thankfully didn't come, I pushed my luck and checked his myspace.*
* i don't know why i've been doing this, it has been tapering off, but every time i check, i come away three degrees more depressed than where I was to begin with. It's like a battle between Functional Sara and Dysfunctional Sara. My functional side is in charge 80% of the time (an estimate). It lead me to get out of a dysfunctional relationship, enforces the no contact rule, makes sure that I'm the Designated Driver, leads me to eat my broccoli, etc.
My dysfunctional side rationalizes the emotional abuse that lead to the break up and draws me, magnet-like, to check the myspace - or to secretly wish that i could take it all back, and be happy to be unhappy.
But the myspace blog had a new entry, about how he is sure that i am over him - laughing about his pain. No contact means no contact - but when I read that i was so overwhelmed at how wrong it could be, i wished i could call him, list out his flaws, remind him of how often i was in tears, before. When we were together. That I left not because i didn't love him (deeply), but because - as Ani DiFranco says, self preservation is a full time occupation...and being with him was hurting me.
+++++++++++++++++++++
So I am on Detox. or, Hetox. Two months of not checking his myspace, his facebook, or trolling for his comments on the pages of mutual friends.
++++++++++++++++++++++
No-smoking Detox is going pretty well, not that i was a huge smoker before - lately 2 or 3 a day, but it's still funny how often i need to remind myself not to smoke. like this:
i want a cigarette. oh. i'm not smoking.
(ten minutes later)
i need to buy cigarettes. oh. i'm not smoking.
(2 hours later)
that was a good movie. maybe i want a OH RIGHT I SMOKE THE CIGARETTES NO MORE. FINE.
so, cheerio. leave me an upbeat comment if you are up for it, i do so like them :-)
M.L.G. did coincide with The Ex's birthday. I had been agonizing over this day, to me it seemed cruel/wrong/sad to not call someone who, up until recently, I have loved. But the rule I have followed the past four weeks is No Contact - and no contact means no contact means no contact. So I ran to the next town over to spend the night with my best friend and her family, and wearily watched for a text or call. When one thankfully didn't come, I pushed my luck and checked his myspace.*
* i don't know why i've been doing this, it has been tapering off, but every time i check, i come away three degrees more depressed than where I was to begin with. It's like a battle between Functional Sara and Dysfunctional Sara. My functional side is in charge 80% of the time (an estimate). It lead me to get out of a dysfunctional relationship, enforces the no contact rule, makes sure that I'm the Designated Driver, leads me to eat my broccoli, etc.
My dysfunctional side rationalizes the emotional abuse that lead to the break up and draws me, magnet-like, to check the myspace - or to secretly wish that i could take it all back, and be happy to be unhappy.
But the myspace blog had a new entry, about how he is sure that i am over him - laughing about his pain. No contact means no contact - but when I read that i was so overwhelmed at how wrong it could be, i wished i could call him, list out his flaws, remind him of how often i was in tears, before. When we were together. That I left not because i didn't love him (deeply), but because - as Ani DiFranco says, self preservation is a full time occupation...and being with him was hurting me.
+++++++++++++++++++++
So I am on Detox. or, Hetox. Two months of not checking his myspace, his facebook, or trolling for his comments on the pages of mutual friends.
++++++++++++++++++++++
No-smoking Detox is going pretty well, not that i was a huge smoker before - lately 2 or 3 a day, but it's still funny how often i need to remind myself not to smoke. like this:
i want a cigarette. oh. i'm not smoking.
(ten minutes later)
i need to buy cigarettes. oh. i'm not smoking.
(2 hours later)
that was a good movie. maybe i want a OH RIGHT I SMOKE THE CIGARETTES NO MORE. FINE.
so, cheerio. leave me an upbeat comment if you are up for it, i do so like them :-)
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
...
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."
social observation
Golf Course:
1. I am white. duh. the other 4 men who work in the office are white.
2. the 8 men in the repair shop are all black.
3. all of the men and women, who do the landscaping, are hispanic.
just sayin. just weird.
1. I am white. duh. the other 4 men who work in the office are white.
2. the 8 men in the repair shop are all black.
3. all of the men and women, who do the landscaping, are hispanic.
just sayin. just weird.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
no more white-trash breakfast
1. freaked out by the concept of vibrating mascara. i mean, really, wtf? it's soooo hard to use these hand movements to put this mascara from the brush into my eyelashes...
2. The TV, she bores me. I scored Season 3 of Arrested Development at Target for the super low price of $11.99, but other than AD, and reruns of the office, there is nothing that interests me. Now the baby shows anger me, as do pregnant women, as if each one is mocking my non-ability to have a successful relationship.
An exception from this was visiting a friend this past weekend, and her baby, up in the North Carolina Mountains. HER baby didn't mock me. HER baby was just too cute for words, with toes like tic tacs, and the ittiest, bittiest little nose that EVER EXISTED. I offered to kidnap the child, but to no avail.
3. I'm going to go ahead and make a few changes for the better. I mean, heck. My life is in complete turmoil, so why not.
Breakfast THEN: A poptart and a cigarette.
Breakfast NOW: A banana and some almonds. and a piece of gum.
but i don't know, i did love the combination of poptart/cigarette. i mean, it's just so delightfully trashy, y'know?
oh and i also took a long walk yesterday. so there. now i am healthy.
2. The TV, she bores me. I scored Season 3 of Arrested Development at Target for the super low price of $11.99, but other than AD, and reruns of the office, there is nothing that interests me. Now the baby shows anger me, as do pregnant women, as if each one is mocking my non-ability to have a successful relationship.
An exception from this was visiting a friend this past weekend, and her baby, up in the North Carolina Mountains. HER baby didn't mock me. HER baby was just too cute for words, with toes like tic tacs, and the ittiest, bittiest little nose that EVER EXISTED. I offered to kidnap the child, but to no avail.
3. I'm going to go ahead and make a few changes for the better. I mean, heck. My life is in complete turmoil, so why not.
Breakfast THEN: A poptart and a cigarette.
Breakfast NOW: A banana and some almonds. and a piece of gum.
but i don't know, i did love the combination of poptart/cigarette. i mean, it's just so delightfully trashy, y'know?
oh and i also took a long walk yesterday. so there. now i am healthy.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
ipod, breakup, mountains.
1. As far as I can tell, it's going to take me forever and a weekend to get over this breakup. Sometimes i'm doing just fine, and other times i have to step out of the room to cry. It is getting better though, last week when the Ex left flowers over at the borrowed house, it resulted in four bouts of tears (one in the living room, one in Laura's living room, and two in the car). This week, when he left a small potted plant and a terrrrrrrible poem outside my parent's door, there were no tears as a direct result. I do have to say, however, i hate that he still thinks he can have me back. That makes it worse.
two upsetting thoughts of mine:
a. he's gone. like, gone-gone. we aren't friends and we're not going to be lovers (eww, the word lover is so gross. sorry about that). The times that it hurts the most include: when i have news and it strikes me that i can't tell him, or when i picture his side profile. I loved that profile.
b. I'm single again. God, how horrible. does this seriously mean that i have to date again? uiuurarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh. That, my friends, is the sound i make when i think about having to do the whole "he's so cute do you think he'll call i hope he calls why hasn't he called oh my god i kissed this cute guy the other night i have a date tonight what do i wear he hugged me goodnight do you think that's a good thing or a bad thing? huh? huh? huh?" good lord, grant me the serenity...
2. I'm heading to the mountains of North Carolina this weekend. It'll be good to get out of Charleston for a hot minute.
3. The other day, my ipod hid itself (uh huh). This was a travesty of justice. The radio in my car is all broke up, meaning that it doesn't work, and so i've been heading to Kiawah every morning with my ipod and itty bitty speakers as my source of entertainment. Trust me, a 45 minute drive in SILENCE is not what i really recommend if you are trying to stay a)in a good mood, or b)awake.
I found it last night hiding in a stack of library books. bad ipod, bad! but i can't stay mad at it, my drive this morning was ever so much more delightful than the past few days.
4. Speaking of the south, I'm having a hell of a time understanding some of these fricken' accents. Yes, I know, I myself am a southern girl. HOWEVER, and this is a big however, i am a stringent fan of diction. E-NUN-CI-ATE, people. between
a)dude in my office that mumbles enough that i kind of just nod my head whenever he starts talking
b)A truck driver on the phone the other day that i would guess to be directly related to Boomhauer (of King of the Hill fame)
and
c) a woman who called for a dude in the garage. conversation as follows:
Woman: "mmmhmhmmhmhmlaksdnnhmhmhmalkg"
me: "i'm sorry?"
Woman, more forcefully "mmfhfmmmmghmmm Speak mnmnmhmn I-Rhone dmnnjmmmmmm"
me:"i don't understand you!"
Woman, simplifying: "I-RHONE"
me: "you want to speak to I-rhone?
Woman: TYYYYYYYYYRRRRRROOOONNNNNE!
me: "Tyrone? i'll get him for you"
not so different as being in slovakia, now, is it?
two upsetting thoughts of mine:
a. he's gone. like, gone-gone. we aren't friends and we're not going to be lovers (eww, the word lover is so gross. sorry about that). The times that it hurts the most include: when i have news and it strikes me that i can't tell him, or when i picture his side profile. I loved that profile.
b. I'm single again. God, how horrible. does this seriously mean that i have to date again? uiuurarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh. That, my friends, is the sound i make when i think about having to do the whole "he's so cute do you think he'll call i hope he calls why hasn't he called oh my god i kissed this cute guy the other night i have a date tonight what do i wear he hugged me goodnight do you think that's a good thing or a bad thing? huh? huh? huh?" good lord, grant me the serenity...
2. I'm heading to the mountains of North Carolina this weekend. It'll be good to get out of Charleston for a hot minute.
3. The other day, my ipod hid itself (uh huh). This was a travesty of justice. The radio in my car is all broke up, meaning that it doesn't work, and so i've been heading to Kiawah every morning with my ipod and itty bitty speakers as my source of entertainment. Trust me, a 45 minute drive in SILENCE is not what i really recommend if you are trying to stay a)in a good mood, or b)awake.
I found it last night hiding in a stack of library books. bad ipod, bad! but i can't stay mad at it, my drive this morning was ever so much more delightful than the past few days.
4. Speaking of the south, I'm having a hell of a time understanding some of these fricken' accents. Yes, I know, I myself am a southern girl. HOWEVER, and this is a big however, i am a stringent fan of diction. E-NUN-CI-ATE, people. between
a)dude in my office that mumbles enough that i kind of just nod my head whenever he starts talking
b)A truck driver on the phone the other day that i would guess to be directly related to Boomhauer (of King of the Hill fame)
and
c) a woman who called for a dude in the garage. conversation as follows:
Woman: "mmmhmhmmhmhmlaksdnnhmhmhmalkg"
me: "i'm sorry?"
Woman, more forcefully "mmfhfmmmmghmmm Speak mnmnmhmn I-Rhone dmnnjmmmmmm"
me:"i don't understand you!"
Woman, simplifying: "I-RHONE"
me: "you want to speak to I-rhone?
Woman: TYYYYYYYYYRRRRRROOOONNNNNE!
me: "Tyrone? i'll get him for you"
not so different as being in slovakia, now, is it?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
another thought
when a boyfriend brings you flowers, people say "awwww!"
when an ex-boyfriend brings you flowers, people say "i'm sorry."
when an ex-boyfriend brings you flowers, people say "i'm sorry."
Monday, August 10, 2009
Friday, August 07, 2009
the sweet, sunny, south
I'm house-sitting this weekend, in a large house on one of the barrier islands of charleston. I have a kabuki-faced golden retriever for company, as well as a Lara and a Laura at various times. The desk i'm sitting at overlooks the marsh, green even in the dog days of summer. This afternoon I spent watching Fried Green Tomatoes with a stack of library books by my side; lunch was a homemade caprese salad and white wine. Life is Good. It's peaceful.
I am making peace with the idea of staying here (not in this house, silly, in charleston). Charleston isn't a metropolis. It's not near san francisco or new york - hell, even silly ol' Atlanta is 5 hours away. Charleston isn't liberal, and it doesn't boast many hip coffee shops or underground bands. There is still identifiable racism - Black people are often dishwashers and mexicans take care of the landscaping, for example. The quantity of tiny, tan, preppy college students hasn't decreased in the time that i've been away.
But there is such beauty. The infamous southern drawl (it'll creep up on you 'til you find yourself speaking slower and softer, always with a smile), the spanish moss. How is such a bug infested, itself-a-parasite such a nice thing?
(i know you've seen this pic before, sorry 'bout that, but it's all i got right now)
there's the beach, oh, the beach. I still have never managed to understand how to "do" summer without a beach.
and, i wouldn't put this on the list, but now i'm into the pictures and mygod! what a picture: charleston has its own baseball team and its own threateningly beautiful summer sky:
(truly, i didn't touch the colors)
Here i have people that i can truly lean on for support, people that i would gladly do the same for. I have a sweet downtown that I can ride a bike through, a university or two that i could finish my master's degree at. Most importantly, it's home.
and i'm finally starting to realize that.
I am making peace with the idea of staying here (not in this house, silly, in charleston). Charleston isn't a metropolis. It's not near san francisco or new york - hell, even silly ol' Atlanta is 5 hours away. Charleston isn't liberal, and it doesn't boast many hip coffee shops or underground bands. There is still identifiable racism - Black people are often dishwashers and mexicans take care of the landscaping, for example. The quantity of tiny, tan, preppy college students hasn't decreased in the time that i've been away.
But there is such beauty. The infamous southern drawl (it'll creep up on you 'til you find yourself speaking slower and softer, always with a smile), the spanish moss. How is such a bug infested, itself-a-parasite such a nice thing?
(i know you've seen this pic before, sorry 'bout that, but it's all i got right now)
there's the beach, oh, the beach. I still have never managed to understand how to "do" summer without a beach.
and, i wouldn't put this on the list, but now i'm into the pictures and mygod! what a picture: charleston has its own baseball team and its own threateningly beautiful summer sky:
(truly, i didn't touch the colors)
Here i have people that i can truly lean on for support, people that i would gladly do the same for. I have a sweet downtown that I can ride a bike through, a university or two that i could finish my master's degree at. Most importantly, it's home.
and i'm finally starting to realize that.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Randoms
Grocery List
poptarts
reese's pb cups (the ten pack, individually wrapped)
hamburger helper
pink champagne.
.....
i read on some internet scientific-y paper, that after a breakup, after two months, people more or less return to their "standard happiness level."
I think my happiness level is/was pretty high, at least a 7 out of 10 or so (i completely made that up), and perhaps i think myself to be resilient, so maybe i am, or will be, eventually, happy again.
i'm showing signs of improvement; there are hints of happiness, and anger, and not-thinking-about it now tucked in between the omnipresent feeling of empty. It still seems like this feeling is going to last forever. But then i rationalize with myself that hey! nothing lasts forever. i mean, eventually i'll be dead, and i won't be sad then, right?
(Fear not, that was not an insight into suicidal thoughts, it was meant to be a joke - but my humor muscles are, for the time being, not plugged in)
EXAMPLES OF NOW HAVING OTHER EMOTIONS OTHER THAN SADNESS:
driving back from kiawah yesterday, windows open, muggy august heat contrasting the chilly ac, first through the marsh and then on a long straight road covered by a canopy of leafy trees and spanish moss, patchy sun shining through. I turned the music up as loud as I could and sang along, loud as I could, to michael jackson and sara & tegan and the cardigans and modest mouse. To music that isn't sad, music that isn't about love or lost love, and as i sang and drove through the woods and over the bridges above the sparkling charleston harbors, I felt a little, tiny, itty-bitty bit lighter.
poptarts
reese's pb cups (the ten pack, individually wrapped)
hamburger helper
pink champagne.
.....
i read on some internet scientific-y paper, that after a breakup, after two months, people more or less return to their "standard happiness level."
I think my happiness level is/was pretty high, at least a 7 out of 10 or so (i completely made that up), and perhaps i think myself to be resilient, so maybe i am, or will be, eventually, happy again.
i'm showing signs of improvement; there are hints of happiness, and anger, and not-thinking-about it now tucked in between the omnipresent feeling of empty. It still seems like this feeling is going to last forever. But then i rationalize with myself that hey! nothing lasts forever. i mean, eventually i'll be dead, and i won't be sad then, right?
(Fear not, that was not an insight into suicidal thoughts, it was meant to be a joke - but my humor muscles are, for the time being, not plugged in)
EXAMPLES OF NOW HAVING OTHER EMOTIONS OTHER THAN SADNESS:
driving back from kiawah yesterday, windows open, muggy august heat contrasting the chilly ac, first through the marsh and then on a long straight road covered by a canopy of leafy trees and spanish moss, patchy sun shining through. I turned the music up as loud as I could and sang along, loud as I could, to michael jackson and sara & tegan and the cardigans and modest mouse. To music that isn't sad, music that isn't about love or lost love, and as i sang and drove through the woods and over the bridges above the sparkling charleston harbors, I felt a little, tiny, itty-bitty bit lighter.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
topic
god, this breakup is just a knock-down, drag-out disaster-fest to the end.
it's been a week now, and i've finally managed to cut off all contact, but not without a bucket and a half of tears. (no really, i measured).
Stream of Conciousness that keeps running through my head over and over until words lose all meaning:
I'm so angry that i let myself stay in a relationship where i was treated badly. I'm so angry that I still miss him. I hate that i hurt him. I hate that he's hurting. I hate that i lived for a fantasy future, where he would one day learn to treat me well ALL the time, not just some of the time. I hate that I can't have my fantasy any more. I hate that some of the time he was so sweet, and so loving. I hate that I still love him.
............
where does love go when you decide that it isn't good for you anymore? does it just die from neglect after awhile? do you always have it? what the fuck?
...
i'm so bad at breaking up. it's like there's all this sadness, and my never ending stream-of-conciousness, mixed with a full dose of Wanting-To-Jump-Out-Of-My-Skin. And my reaction, other than crying, is to find an unassuming family member/close friend, and sit next to them and cry. i know that it takes time to get over a relationship, especially one with such a painful breakup. but i just want the pain to stop.
suck, suck, suck.
it's been a week now, and i've finally managed to cut off all contact, but not without a bucket and a half of tears. (no really, i measured).
Stream of Conciousness that keeps running through my head over and over until words lose all meaning:
I'm so angry that i let myself stay in a relationship where i was treated badly. I'm so angry that I still miss him. I hate that i hurt him. I hate that he's hurting. I hate that i lived for a fantasy future, where he would one day learn to treat me well ALL the time, not just some of the time. I hate that I can't have my fantasy any more. I hate that some of the time he was so sweet, and so loving. I hate that I still love him.
............
where does love go when you decide that it isn't good for you anymore? does it just die from neglect after awhile? do you always have it? what the fuck?
...
i'm so bad at breaking up. it's like there's all this sadness, and my never ending stream-of-conciousness, mixed with a full dose of Wanting-To-Jump-Out-Of-My-Skin. And my reaction, other than crying, is to find an unassuming family member/close friend, and sit next to them and cry. i know that it takes time to get over a relationship, especially one with such a painful breakup. but i just want the pain to stop.
suck, suck, suck.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Never-Ending Excitement
the situation
Today I'm moving out of the house where I've been house-sitting, and back into my parent's house.....yessssss. Isn't that every parent's dream? to have their 26-year-old daughter to move back home?
I was never meant to house-sit alone, the plan was created with The Ex. I don't like living alone, I haven't in three years, and I've found it particularly difficult to go through a rough breakup in a big, empty, house. And I'm trying and trying to let it go, this relationship which wasn't all peaches and roses and kittens, which completely bypassed the team-iness of a relationship, and it sucks.
He keeps contacting me, texting me night after night, and it feels like a slap in the face every time.
I house-sat here before, in the July before I left for slovakia. That time, i was full of excitement and trepidation, and I loved being here in the evenings - to settle down on the loveseat with a vodka gimlet and a travel book.
I remember a sort of peace about that time, and was hoping that I would find it again this year. I had a lot of hopes about these first few months in Charleston, as my diary will attest, hopes that the Ex would get his life going, apply himself, and prove himself to be a different person than in Slovakia. But he didn't, and he hasn't, and now he won't stop contacting me.
What Helps:
1.I made a list of ten reasons why I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, and I read it when I feel like I might jump out of my skin with the desire to take it all back. It helps.
2. I've made the breakup known to my family and friends, and provided an edited version of why, and that helps, too. I am thankful for my support system.
3. Chocolate has its place, but drinking doesn't help - I found that after a glass of wine, i am much more teary, and much more sentimental.
4. A list of what I actually want in a partner (#1 being NICE) helps too.
5. I've been driving to a barrier island each day for my temp job. The long drive, the water, the marsh, and the spanish moss hanging over the road - they help.
6. My cute sundresses help (i guess because i look in the mirror and think how adorable i am.)
7. Light, happy books help. I'm a big reader, and now i am happy to fall into bed during the afternoon (the worst time) with a stack of novels. Currently, I'm reading: Sweet Valley Twins (long story), "The Good Fairies of New York", a book about mermaids, and some others.
so
I know it will get better. I mean, crap. nothing ever stays the same. When I was 18, and my first love broke up with me, I woke up every morning feeling like I had a weight on my chest. And then, one day - about a month later, I woke up and and it was missing. poof. I hope for the same with this.
Today I'm moving out of the house where I've been house-sitting, and back into my parent's house.....yessssss. Isn't that every parent's dream? to have their 26-year-old daughter to move back home?
I was never meant to house-sit alone, the plan was created with The Ex. I don't like living alone, I haven't in three years, and I've found it particularly difficult to go through a rough breakup in a big, empty, house. And I'm trying and trying to let it go, this relationship which wasn't all peaches and roses and kittens, which completely bypassed the team-iness of a relationship, and it sucks.
He keeps contacting me, texting me night after night, and it feels like a slap in the face every time.
I house-sat here before, in the July before I left for slovakia. That time, i was full of excitement and trepidation, and I loved being here in the evenings - to settle down on the loveseat with a vodka gimlet and a travel book.
I remember a sort of peace about that time, and was hoping that I would find it again this year. I had a lot of hopes about these first few months in Charleston, as my diary will attest, hopes that the Ex would get his life going, apply himself, and prove himself to be a different person than in Slovakia. But he didn't, and he hasn't, and now he won't stop contacting me.
What Helps:
1.I made a list of ten reasons why I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, and I read it when I feel like I might jump out of my skin with the desire to take it all back. It helps.
2. I've made the breakup known to my family and friends, and provided an edited version of why, and that helps, too. I am thankful for my support system.
3. Chocolate has its place, but drinking doesn't help - I found that after a glass of wine, i am much more teary, and much more sentimental.
4. A list of what I actually want in a partner (#1 being NICE) helps too.
5. I've been driving to a barrier island each day for my temp job. The long drive, the water, the marsh, and the spanish moss hanging over the road - they help.
6. My cute sundresses help (i guess because i look in the mirror and think how adorable i am.)
7. Light, happy books help. I'm a big reader, and now i am happy to fall into bed during the afternoon (the worst time) with a stack of novels. Currently, I'm reading: Sweet Valley Twins (long story), "The Good Fairies of New York", a book about mermaids, and some others.
so
I know it will get better. I mean, crap. nothing ever stays the same. When I was 18, and my first love broke up with me, I woke up every morning feeling like I had a weight on my chest. And then, one day - about a month later, I woke up and and it was missing. poof. I hope for the same with this.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
up, down, turn around...
piiiick a bale of cotton.
so.
1. Michael and I broke up yesterday, for the third time this month. third times the charm? I don't know. As much as I love him, I can't be happy in a relationship where we are arguing all. the. time. We fought on friday, we fought several times on saturday, we continued the late-night fight into sunday morning. And on Sunday night? we fought about how much we've been fighting.
sounds funny but it isn't.
My mother never broke up with her michael, and she's been arguing and crying for 36 years. I would rather spend a month sad to make the rest of my life happier. I think it will stick, too. He took me off of facebook and myspace, and told me to take his number out of my phone.
I know it's silly, but when he deleted my friendship on the interwebs, it sunk in the most. La says it's better this way. A clean break.
I am on day 2 (post breakup). I feel weighted. I keep reminding myself that it is normal, and expected, to feel sad right now. but still...SUCK.
2. I signed up with a new employment agency yesterday (my appointment immediately followed the breakup, i drove there trying to hold in tears so as to not ruin the makeup). They've already found me work! It's a temporary position, for about a month, and it's 5 hours a day. It's on an island south of charleston, doing admin work for a golf course. Heck Yeah! any income is good income, and it will be a relief not to be sitting around, THINKING (thought + extraneous time = horrible for the post-break up chick).
3. I went to goodwill today with La, and found three summer dresses. Being in the south, these are actually like round-the-year-dresses. I'm wearing a red, fitted, polka-dotted sundress now, and i feel adorable. A polka-dotted red sundress goes well with my magenta toenails and my white convertible.
so.
1. Michael and I broke up yesterday, for the third time this month. third times the charm? I don't know. As much as I love him, I can't be happy in a relationship where we are arguing all. the. time. We fought on friday, we fought several times on saturday, we continued the late-night fight into sunday morning. And on Sunday night? we fought about how much we've been fighting.
sounds funny but it isn't.
My mother never broke up with her michael, and she's been arguing and crying for 36 years. I would rather spend a month sad to make the rest of my life happier. I think it will stick, too. He took me off of facebook and myspace, and told me to take his number out of my phone.
I know it's silly, but when he deleted my friendship on the interwebs, it sunk in the most. La says it's better this way. A clean break.
I am on day 2 (post breakup). I feel weighted. I keep reminding myself that it is normal, and expected, to feel sad right now. but still...SUCK.
2. I signed up with a new employment agency yesterday (my appointment immediately followed the breakup, i drove there trying to hold in tears so as to not ruin the makeup). They've already found me work! It's a temporary position, for about a month, and it's 5 hours a day. It's on an island south of charleston, doing admin work for a golf course. Heck Yeah! any income is good income, and it will be a relief not to be sitting around, THINKING (thought + extraneous time = horrible for the post-break up chick).
3. I went to goodwill today with La, and found three summer dresses. Being in the south, these are actually like round-the-year-dresses. I'm wearing a red, fitted, polka-dotted sundress now, and i feel adorable. A polka-dotted red sundress goes well with my magenta toenails and my white convertible.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
frolic frolic frolic
Between summer 2005 and now, I've returned to Charleston for one reason: vacation. and, okay, that one time my awesome friend got married...but between the bachelorette party and the spring-like weather - okay, yeah, that was another vacation.
so let's recap. in the past 4 years, every time i've come home has been for a break from one gray city or another. Is it any wonder that it's taken some time for me to get into the swing of things, now that it's less of a mini-break and more of a...um, life?
.................
I'm still searching, now frantically, for a job. what...the...helllll... yuck, i've never had to work so hard JUST ON THIS PART. and while I'm clicking my heels and driving this way and that, employers seem to be lounging on their laurels. damn it! i'm looking at another ramen weekend. it's a friend's birthday on saturday, and after wracking my brain about how to afford a night out dining, drinking, and dancing, I offered to be her designated driver. This way, I get to spend quality time with some friends - and probably even manage to dance -and the only thing I'm sacrificing is a nasty hangover on sunday (and a negative balance in my bank account).
..................
michael brought me beautiful flowers today, and took me to the beach. We swam across to the sandbar, and i frolicked (i did. i frolicked) in the warm pools of water as he collected large shells. The swim across was excellent and a good workout - i would say about twice the length of a big ol' swimming pool? I've been nervous about doing that since two people drowned off of sullivan's island in the past two weeks (horrible) (they were yankees), but it was awesome. Other people were there, swimming, surfing, paddleboarding, and windsurfing. Ack! i want a job so i can afford fun water sports!
...................
in other news, i have a fricken' excellent tan. is GORGEOUS.
...................
a friend from slovakia commented on my facebook profile picture, one in which i am frolicking. (i frolic. it's what i do.) Translated, i believe it means, "sara, you are beaching!"
yes, mirka. I am beaching.
:-)
so let's recap. in the past 4 years, every time i've come home has been for a break from one gray city or another. Is it any wonder that it's taken some time for me to get into the swing of things, now that it's less of a mini-break and more of a...um, life?
.................
I'm still searching, now frantically, for a job. what...the...helllll... yuck, i've never had to work so hard JUST ON THIS PART. and while I'm clicking my heels and driving this way and that, employers seem to be lounging on their laurels. damn it! i'm looking at another ramen weekend. it's a friend's birthday on saturday, and after wracking my brain about how to afford a night out dining, drinking, and dancing, I offered to be her designated driver. This way, I get to spend quality time with some friends - and probably even manage to dance -and the only thing I'm sacrificing is a nasty hangover on sunday (and a negative balance in my bank account).
..................
michael brought me beautiful flowers today, and took me to the beach. We swam across to the sandbar, and i frolicked (i did. i frolicked) in the warm pools of water as he collected large shells. The swim across was excellent and a good workout - i would say about twice the length of a big ol' swimming pool? I've been nervous about doing that since two people drowned off of sullivan's island in the past two weeks (horrible) (they were yankees), but it was awesome. Other people were there, swimming, surfing, paddleboarding, and windsurfing. Ack! i want a job so i can afford fun water sports!
...................
in other news, i have a fricken' excellent tan. is GORGEOUS.
...................
a friend from slovakia commented on my facebook profile picture, one in which i am frolicking. (i frolic. it's what i do.) Translated, i believe it means, "sara, you are beaching!"
yes, mirka. I am beaching.
:-)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
the floating world.
This morning i wrote part of a draft of a blog where I talked about how, ever since i returned to SC, lo these 2 months, I've felt like i was floating.
floating on without a job, without a true purpose, without hobbies, with a relationship that may or may not be going anywhere.
Then, this afternoon, I received a scathing 3-page letter from my eccentric aunt in Florida. Mind you, I haven't seen this aunt since my grandmother's funeral six years ago, but she had no qualms to tell me it like it is. or she *thinks* it is. In less vague terms,
"the world is your oyster, and you are just drifting...i expect you to not listen, to not follow my advice, and to...do, who knows what. It kills me to see you drifting. Time. Marches. On"
wow, um, thanks for your input? I do so love to be kicked when I'm down.
They have been strange, these months. On one hand it truly is delightful, having family (crazy folk notwithstanding) and friends nearby, but on the other hand i still haven't found my niche here. and it is frustrating when i didn't expect it to be. I feel blindsided, and whiny (well, thank goodness for the blog, huh?), and I am starting to think I am depressed.
I'm applying for jobs that I wouldn't have taken four years ago and being turned away because I'm too qualified. I'm "talking down" my resume in order to get a job at one of your local big-box stores, and wondering when i'll be called back for a job that i do actually qualify for.
I am working on becoming registered to teach High School in this state. I think that would kick ass.
My boy, or my ex-boy, are talking, but it seems that most of that talking is arguing. so.
I don't know. These are low times.
floating on without a job, without a true purpose, without hobbies, with a relationship that may or may not be going anywhere.
Then, this afternoon, I received a scathing 3-page letter from my eccentric aunt in Florida. Mind you, I haven't seen this aunt since my grandmother's funeral six years ago, but she had no qualms to tell me it like it is. or she *thinks* it is. In less vague terms,
"the world is your oyster, and you are just drifting...i expect you to not listen, to not follow my advice, and to...do, who knows what. It kills me to see you drifting. Time. Marches. On"
wow, um, thanks for your input? I do so love to be kicked when I'm down.
They have been strange, these months. On one hand it truly is delightful, having family (crazy folk notwithstanding) and friends nearby, but on the other hand i still haven't found my niche here. and it is frustrating when i didn't expect it to be. I feel blindsided, and whiny (well, thank goodness for the blog, huh?), and I am starting to think I am depressed.
I'm applying for jobs that I wouldn't have taken four years ago and being turned away because I'm too qualified. I'm "talking down" my resume in order to get a job at one of your local big-box stores, and wondering when i'll be called back for a job that i do actually qualify for.
I am working on becoming registered to teach High School in this state. I think that would kick ass.
My boy, or my ex-boy, are talking, but it seems that most of that talking is arguing. so.
I don't know. These are low times.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
heartbreak hotel
room for one, please.
so, just shy of one year, my BF and I have called it quits. Call it irreconcilable differences, call it what-have-you, but i say it feels like someone ice-cream scooped out my chest cavity while simultaneously turning my tear ducts to "on."
i know that in will be better in the long run, but right now it just feels like suck.
(anastasia book excerpt)
Anastasia: "dad, what does heartbreak feel like?"
Dad: "Like a bad stomachache. That lasts for six months"
out,
sara
so, just shy of one year, my BF and I have called it quits. Call it irreconcilable differences, call it what-have-you, but i say it feels like someone ice-cream scooped out my chest cavity while simultaneously turning my tear ducts to "on."
i know that in will be better in the long run, but right now it just feels like suck.
(anastasia book excerpt)
Anastasia: "dad, what does heartbreak feel like?"
Dad: "Like a bad stomachache. That lasts for six months"
out,
sara
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
still no word on the job front
so don't bother asking. As i apply to Whole foods, various daycares, and a temp agency, i wonder How Long Will This Possibly Last? This out-of-jobness is comical/unbelievable in its length. woe. woe is me.
..................................
i don't regret my decision to come back to the US. creature comforts are very, well, comfortable. I love my cute new ("") car, and being able to see my family - however annoying they are. My parents (whom I'm staying with for like, 12 more days) are strangely selfish when it comes to food items.
they do not like to share (and have yelled at me over):
fried chicken
coca cola
beer
salad
half a muffin
salsa
EVERYTHING THAT IS FOOD I AM NOT ALLOWED TO EAT
.......................................
it's been hard being separated from Michael. We're moving into our temporary home on July 1st, and I'm So looking forward to it! We'll be together, we'll be ten minutes from the beach...oh, it'll be good. Michael and I have done a lot of talking about marriage (and babies, we all know I'm obsessed!) and it just feels like now that we're back in our hometown, we can start moving down that road. Today he said the sweetest thing, when we were talking about a friend's engagement photos, he said, "a wedding, marriage, babies....all those things i used to think i didn't want, i can't wait for now"
and i'm like, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
.......................................
..................................
i don't regret my decision to come back to the US. creature comforts are very, well, comfortable. I love my cute new ("") car, and being able to see my family - however annoying they are. My parents (whom I'm staying with for like, 12 more days) are strangely selfish when it comes to food items.
they do not like to share (and have yelled at me over):
fried chicken
coca cola
beer
salad
half a muffin
salsa
EVERYTHING THAT IS FOOD I AM NOT ALLOWED TO EAT
.......................................
it's been hard being separated from Michael. We're moving into our temporary home on July 1st, and I'm So looking forward to it! We'll be together, we'll be ten minutes from the beach...oh, it'll be good. Michael and I have done a lot of talking about marriage (and babies, we all know I'm obsessed!) and it just feels like now that we're back in our hometown, we can start moving down that road. Today he said the sweetest thing, when we were talking about a friend's engagement photos, he said, "a wedding, marriage, babies....all those things i used to think i didn't want, i can't wait for now"
and i'm like, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
.......................................
Friday, June 12, 2009
update on the everything situation
When I was still in Slovakia, I was aware that there was a recession...but now i know there is. And i don't like it one bit.
CHECKLIST ON GETTING A LIFE
Car............Check.
Cell Phone.....Check.
Apartment......Half-Check
Job............DOUBLE PLUS UNCHECK.
Fricken' A. I've been working since I was fifteen (in order: ice cream scooper, sandwich maker, hostess, server, bartender, admin, english teacher) and i have never had trouble finding a job. (this is probably because I'm so damn attractive) (hah).
But now? hell, i've probably sent out 30-40 resumes and applied at 10 different restaurants (two of which i have worked at before)and still, i am without luck. On monday, i'm sucking it up and applying at target.
------------------------------------------------------
I'm obsessed with baby shows on cable right now. There are the classics, such as "A Baby Story" and all the delivery shows (which usually end with me covering my eyes and screaming "why are they SHOWING THAT! eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
But now there are a few really special ones.
1."I didn't know I was Pregnant" oh. my. gawwwwwwd. After an episode of this show, i have a strong desire to pee on a stick.
(bastardized) quote: "I blamed my weight gain on the freshman fifteen (nevermind that it was FORTY pounds), my nausea on the drinking, and my labor pains as period cramps. whoopsie!"
2. "16 and pregnant" Now, this just premiered on MTV last night. I think that this show will singlehandedly end teen pregnancy. shaBAM.
(bastardized) synopsis: sixteen year old overachieving cheerleading gets knocked up, then moves in with her 21 year old boyfriend/fiance. Girl manages to graduate HS early, begin community college, participate in a dance team and struggle to raise her son. Her BF/fiance manages to work, go out with friends every night, and ignore girlfriend & child.
Wow, trainwreck alert. This show makes ME afraid to have children....and I'm ten years older than her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm currently staying with my parents, which is synonymous for being driven insane. Michael and I will be housesitting for a friend for the month of July, and then moving into our own apartment in August.
Adjusting back to the US is going slower than i thought it would, but i do think that's because of the job situation. Since I'm trying not to spend more than is necessary, my entertainment allowance is slim to none. Luckily, here i have the beach, the library, and the magic redbox (rent movies for 1 dollar!). I also have 3 of my favorite people in the world here, plus a heck of a lot of good family members.
As for slovakia, I miss cooking, and i miss walking a lot.
my other complaint is that it's so hard to find decent, "whole" food here. Everything is chemical to the MAX. I am thrilled, of course, to have my poptarts back (nom nom nom), but as for everything else....i read the labels and feel that I am doing myself a disservice by eating it. I'll have more control over the food in my kitchen when i HAVE my own kitchen again. mleph.
CHECKLIST ON GETTING A LIFE
Car............Check.
Cell Phone.....Check.
Apartment......Half-Check
Job............DOUBLE PLUS UNCHECK.
Fricken' A. I've been working since I was fifteen (in order: ice cream scooper, sandwich maker, hostess, server, bartender, admin, english teacher) and i have never had trouble finding a job. (this is probably because I'm so damn attractive) (hah).
But now? hell, i've probably sent out 30-40 resumes and applied at 10 different restaurants (two of which i have worked at before)and still, i am without luck. On monday, i'm sucking it up and applying at target.
------------------------------------------------------
I'm obsessed with baby shows on cable right now. There are the classics, such as "A Baby Story" and all the delivery shows (which usually end with me covering my eyes and screaming "why are they SHOWING THAT! eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
But now there are a few really special ones.
1."I didn't know I was Pregnant" oh. my. gawwwwwwd. After an episode of this show, i have a strong desire to pee on a stick.
(bastardized) quote: "I blamed my weight gain on the freshman fifteen (nevermind that it was FORTY pounds), my nausea on the drinking, and my labor pains as period cramps. whoopsie!"
2. "16 and pregnant" Now, this just premiered on MTV last night. I think that this show will singlehandedly end teen pregnancy. shaBAM.
(bastardized) synopsis: sixteen year old overachieving cheerleading gets knocked up, then moves in with her 21 year old boyfriend/fiance. Girl manages to graduate HS early, begin community college, participate in a dance team and struggle to raise her son. Her BF/fiance manages to work, go out with friends every night, and ignore girlfriend & child.
Wow, trainwreck alert. This show makes ME afraid to have children....and I'm ten years older than her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm currently staying with my parents, which is synonymous for being driven insane. Michael and I will be housesitting for a friend for the month of July, and then moving into our own apartment in August.
Adjusting back to the US is going slower than i thought it would, but i do think that's because of the job situation. Since I'm trying not to spend more than is necessary, my entertainment allowance is slim to none. Luckily, here i have the beach, the library, and the magic redbox (rent movies for 1 dollar!). I also have 3 of my favorite people in the world here, plus a heck of a lot of good family members.
As for slovakia, I miss cooking, and i miss walking a lot.
my other complaint is that it's so hard to find decent, "whole" food here. Everything is chemical to the MAX. I am thrilled, of course, to have my poptarts back (nom nom nom), but as for everything else....i read the labels and feel that I am doing myself a disservice by eating it. I'll have more control over the food in my kitchen when i HAVE my own kitchen again. mleph.
Monday, May 11, 2009
such a long time
well, i am still on the never-ending (so it seems) European Trip 2009.
We (my mother and I) are in budapest for the second time. Today we should be hitting the turkish baths, and tomorrow - BEFORE the crack of dawn- we are heading to the airport! hoooooorayyyyyyy.
it's mildly terrible, isn't it...to be looking forward so much to when a holiday is over?
I've been in limbo this past week and a half, we have moved out from sv. jur, but i haven't moved INTO anywhere yet, which in me creates a lovely state of anxiety. Where will i live? what will i do? OHGODWHATIFMYPLANECRASHES? begin hyperventilating NOW.
Plus i miss my boyfriend, plus i miss svaty jur and all my friends there. :-/ blah.
Budapest the first time was good stuff (michael was still around for that), Vienna was lovely as usual (and i got to see a side of vienna that i haven't before, details later), and Prague was a lot bigger, more exciting, busier, and tourist-ier than i would have thought. and the czech language REALLY DOES have a stoooopid letter....it's R with a little v on top of it, and it sounds like "rrrrrr-zzzzzhhhh" if i add that thing to the r in my name, then my name magically has like ten extra syllables.
on a side note, my mother is still convinced that i don't eat enough protein, even though i have been in europe for two years and we practically eat a side of ham for breakfast.
okay well, think good thoughts for me (or pray if that is your style, i would appreciate it) that my flights will go well and i will arrive safe and sound tomorrow evening.
kisskiss,
sa
We (my mother and I) are in budapest for the second time. Today we should be hitting the turkish baths, and tomorrow - BEFORE the crack of dawn- we are heading to the airport! hoooooorayyyyyyy.
it's mildly terrible, isn't it...to be looking forward so much to when a holiday is over?
I've been in limbo this past week and a half, we have moved out from sv. jur, but i haven't moved INTO anywhere yet, which in me creates a lovely state of anxiety. Where will i live? what will i do? OHGODWHATIFMYPLANECRASHES? begin hyperventilating NOW.
Plus i miss my boyfriend, plus i miss svaty jur and all my friends there. :-/ blah.
Budapest the first time was good stuff (michael was still around for that), Vienna was lovely as usual (and i got to see a side of vienna that i haven't before, details later), and Prague was a lot bigger, more exciting, busier, and tourist-ier than i would have thought. and the czech language REALLY DOES have a stoooopid letter....it's R with a little v on top of it, and it sounds like "rrrrrr-zzzzzhhhh" if i add that thing to the r in my name, then my name magically has like ten extra syllables.
on a side note, my mother is still convinced that i don't eat enough protein, even though i have been in europe for two years and we practically eat a side of ham for breakfast.
okay well, think good thoughts for me (or pray if that is your style, i would appreciate it) that my flights will go well and i will arrive safe and sound tomorrow evening.
kisskiss,
sa
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
ah so. Hody came and went, as things often do.
recap: Svatojurske Hody translates to the Feast of Svaty Jur. All villages in this part of the world have their own festival once a year, Hody celebrates the end of winter...it's like an amazing combination of street fair, dance party, drinking extravaganza, and three days of people taking off their pants. Like, in the street. Like, for no reason.
TALLY:
money spent: 50 euro (ješuš mariá)
amount of that spent the last day, during a marathon session at bernards: 25
Lokshe eaten: 47 thousand, at least (they are thin pancakes made with potato batter, and filled with either goose fat or goose liver or cabbage and bacon or poppy seeds and jam)
jugs of wine that were handed to me: at least five. Communal jugs of wine.
times the teahouse accidentally became 1968 : once. WTF? i walk in the back and it's fricken Andy Warhol with the filming and the hippies and hash and the bizarre music. The first night of hody there were gypsy musicians and a lot of dancing on furniture, on the stairs, sitting down, outside...
times cried: at least three. Some things about Hody were hard.
# people who fell in the creek: ah, guido. it became such a story. he slipped on the narrow path to the teahouse and ended up wet waist high "SOM MOKRY"
# of drunk men dancing the robot for three days: I love you, shirtless robot man. you made my life better. Wherever i went (albeit sv. jur is very small), there you were! dancing. doing the wave, laying on the groud laughing...
# of times i refused to go to a BBQ Three. I didn't want to go to a barbeque. And i don't speak croatian (at least not as well as i speak slovak) and i wasn't going to leave Hody. so there!
# of times hackeysack was played: uh, several times?
# of drunken slovaks who told me to never, ever leave: similar to the quantity of lokshe, 47 thousand drunk slovaks told me to never leave slovakia, and then rhapsodied about it for awhile.
International Contingent in my immediate Vicinity: American, British, Canadian, Slovak, Croatian, Slovenian. On a side note, Slovenian is like a cross between slovak and croatian, with a third of "uhhhh" in there too.
I had a conversation with mr. Slovenian, Andrej:
Me: how do you say "please"
Andrej: Prosim
Me: aha, just like slovak. okay, how do you say "thank you"
Andrej: Hvala
Me: aha, just like croatian. okay, how do you say "goodbye"
Andrej: bargeldyboogetdy blahdylksdfhueakjb blah
Me: ...
# of times i caused people to die laughing by confusing the words "to pee" and "to whistle": once
Me : MIRKAAAAA,MUSIM PISKAT' (where i thought i said "mirka, i have to pee")
(but really i said, "mirka, i have to whistle")
Mirka: musiš PISKAT?! čo?!
Me: Anooo musim piskat' (at this point i do the international pee pee dance)
Mirka HAHAHAHA pišat, nie piskat
EVERYONE ELSE: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Life is funny. SO the end. Now i have to pack, even i am lazy and pouty and don't feel like traveling around europe for two weeks. wah.
(you know who dis is)
(i love this shot. it's so chiaroscuro, i want to paint it. if only i painted)
recap: Svatojurske Hody translates to the Feast of Svaty Jur. All villages in this part of the world have their own festival once a year, Hody celebrates the end of winter...it's like an amazing combination of street fair, dance party, drinking extravaganza, and three days of people taking off their pants. Like, in the street. Like, for no reason.
TALLY:
money spent: 50 euro (ješuš mariá)
amount of that spent the last day, during a marathon session at bernards: 25
Lokshe eaten: 47 thousand, at least (they are thin pancakes made with potato batter, and filled with either goose fat or goose liver or cabbage and bacon or poppy seeds and jam)
jugs of wine that were handed to me: at least five. Communal jugs of wine.
times the teahouse accidentally became 1968 : once. WTF? i walk in the back and it's fricken Andy Warhol with the filming and the hippies and hash and the bizarre music. The first night of hody there were gypsy musicians and a lot of dancing on furniture, on the stairs, sitting down, outside...
times cried: at least three. Some things about Hody were hard.
# people who fell in the creek: ah, guido. it became such a story. he slipped on the narrow path to the teahouse and ended up wet waist high "SOM MOKRY"
# of drunk men dancing the robot for three days: I love you, shirtless robot man. you made my life better. Wherever i went (albeit sv. jur is very small), there you were! dancing. doing the wave, laying on the groud laughing...
# of times i refused to go to a BBQ Three. I didn't want to go to a barbeque. And i don't speak croatian (at least not as well as i speak slovak) and i wasn't going to leave Hody. so there!
# of times hackeysack was played: uh, several times?
# of drunken slovaks who told me to never, ever leave: similar to the quantity of lokshe, 47 thousand drunk slovaks told me to never leave slovakia, and then rhapsodied about it for awhile.
International Contingent in my immediate Vicinity: American, British, Canadian, Slovak, Croatian, Slovenian. On a side note, Slovenian is like a cross between slovak and croatian, with a third of "uhhhh" in there too.
I had a conversation with mr. Slovenian, Andrej:
Me: how do you say "please"
Andrej: Prosim
Me: aha, just like slovak. okay, how do you say "thank you"
Andrej: Hvala
Me: aha, just like croatian. okay, how do you say "goodbye"
Andrej: bargeldyboogetdy blahdylksdfhueakjb blah
Me: ...
# of times i caused people to die laughing by confusing the words "to pee" and "to whistle": once
Me : MIRKAAAAA,MUSIM PISKAT' (where i thought i said "mirka, i have to pee")
(but really i said, "mirka, i have to whistle")
Mirka: musiš PISKAT?! čo?!
Me: Anooo musim piskat' (at this point i do the international pee pee dance)
Mirka HAHAHAHA pišat, nie piskat
EVERYONE ELSE: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Life is funny. SO the end. Now i have to pack, even i am lazy and pouty and don't feel like traveling around europe for two weeks. wah.
(you know who dis is)
(i love this shot. it's so chiaroscuro, i want to paint it. if only i painted)
Friday, April 24, 2009
WORD ON THE STREET
did you know that i'm checking out? of slovakia, i mean. here. here are some posts that i've posted in my OTHER, not so interesting blog, about it:
čo budem chybat'
geez it's hard to find cheap plane tickets. yargh.
so kids, the sara and the michael will be returning to the charleston by approximately may 15th! huzzah. Enough, i say. Enough of this never-ending winter, i miss the sun on my face.
With that in mind, here's a list of thingy things i will miss about slovakia (and to counterbalance, a list of things i am looking forward to)
(for brevity, the obvious things, like friends and family have been omitted)
Miss
~taking the train to work
~living in a wine village
~Bernard's, our local krčma (pub)
~squeezy cheese
~bryndzove halušky
~acidko
~the lilacs
~speaking slovak
~having michael all to myself
~having the forest right here
~teaching EFL
~eating all natural food all the time, because that is your option
~sunday hikes then to bernards..pivo and krokety...
Looking forward to:
~ENGLISH BOOKS YES YES YES
~driving
~target/walmart (yes, i really am. 2 years of not being able to buy ANYTHING will do that to you)
~goodwill
~the beach
~mixed drinks
~access to more americans
~movie theaters!
~having a blender
~the pervasive heat of a southern summer
~seeing people who are a different nationality than WHITE
~buying new pants or shoes without taking out a loan!
eh, surely there are more. that's enough for now though.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And now i'm packing again, like i did when i came here, but instead of packing in bandaids and vitamins, legwarmers and english magazines, everything i think i will need, I get to throw virtually everything away. Slovakia doesn't have a goodwill, and i must make the last two (ish) years of my life fit inside a suitcase.
Maybe that's a reason that i'm happy i'm leaving, happy to be going to a place where i don't need to define things as impermanent. I've thought about staying here, you know, i have other american friends who have made this their Home-Home, and it is both appealing and terrifying to me.
After we leave slovakia, i'm going on a mother-daughter trip through central europe for ten days before she and I fly back to SC. Yesterday, as Michael and i were eating ice-cream (mine was lemon and vanilla) at the base of a fountain in the sunny day of Vienna, i had a thought. For ten days I'll be doing the traveling things (we're going to three countries) and all that entails, and at the end? i don't even get to go home. and that makes me freak out a little bit.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
if anyone still reads this, i am sorry i neglected you. the past four (five) months i've been so cold, then so busy, then so cold ...but you can like, totally be my friend on myspace if you want, i update that INCESSANTLY (i'm updating RIGHT NOW) (not really)
čo budem chybat'
geez it's hard to find cheap plane tickets. yargh.
so kids, the sara and the michael will be returning to the charleston by approximately may 15th! huzzah. Enough, i say. Enough of this never-ending winter, i miss the sun on my face.
With that in mind, here's a list of thingy things i will miss about slovakia (and to counterbalance, a list of things i am looking forward to)
(for brevity, the obvious things, like friends and family have been omitted)
Miss
~taking the train to work
~living in a wine village
~Bernard's, our local krčma (pub)
~squeezy cheese
~bryndzove halušky
~acidko
~the lilacs
~speaking slovak
~having michael all to myself
~having the forest right here
~teaching EFL
~eating all natural food all the time, because that is your option
~sunday hikes then to bernards..pivo and krokety...
Looking forward to:
~ENGLISH BOOKS YES YES YES
~driving
~target/walmart (yes, i really am. 2 years of not being able to buy ANYTHING will do that to you)
~goodwill
~the beach
~mixed drinks
~access to more americans
~movie theaters!
~having a blender
~the pervasive heat of a southern summer
~seeing people who are a different nationality than WHITE
~buying new pants or shoes without taking out a loan!
eh, surely there are more. that's enough for now though.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And now i'm packing again, like i did when i came here, but instead of packing in bandaids and vitamins, legwarmers and english magazines, everything i think i will need, I get to throw virtually everything away. Slovakia doesn't have a goodwill, and i must make the last two (ish) years of my life fit inside a suitcase.
Maybe that's a reason that i'm happy i'm leaving, happy to be going to a place where i don't need to define things as impermanent. I've thought about staying here, you know, i have other american friends who have made this their Home-Home, and it is both appealing and terrifying to me.
After we leave slovakia, i'm going on a mother-daughter trip through central europe for ten days before she and I fly back to SC. Yesterday, as Michael and i were eating ice-cream (mine was lemon and vanilla) at the base of a fountain in the sunny day of Vienna, i had a thought. For ten days I'll be doing the traveling things (we're going to three countries) and all that entails, and at the end? i don't even get to go home. and that makes me freak out a little bit.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
if anyone still reads this, i am sorry i neglected you. the past four (five) months i've been so cold, then so busy, then so cold ...but you can like, totally be my friend on myspace if you want, i update that INCESSANTLY (i'm updating RIGHT NOW) (not really)
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Warning, whiny.
currently reading:
Postsecret
gofugyourself
all three hundred pages of dooce.
currently drinking:
nasty green tea (all other teas, and the honey, have been drunk. drank? dranken?)
currently eating:
nothing, because we didn't plan for the holidays well enough, and the stores don't open until tomorrow. (don't panic, there is a box of macaroni and cheese, saved from this summer, in the cupboard for later.)
currently watching:
season one of friends, as my boyfriend is out of the house (the only time when i can watch it).
currently occupying:
the couch, with my comforter, my pillow, my nasty green tea and the last roll of toilet paper (i have already blown my nose into all of the kleenex and napkins in the house)
currently NOT doing:
eating chocolate (why bother? can't. taste. anything.)
hiking with michael in the fresh pretty snow
preparing lessons for the new year.
currently anticipating:
the wonderful, glorious, orgasmic doctor's office, where he will prescribe for me wonderful, glorious, orgasmic antibiotics and various other things that will make this godforsaken sinus infection GET OUT OF MY FACE.
Postsecret
gofugyourself
all three hundred pages of dooce.
currently drinking:
nasty green tea (all other teas, and the honey, have been drunk. drank? dranken?)
currently eating:
nothing, because we didn't plan for the holidays well enough, and the stores don't open until tomorrow. (don't panic, there is a box of macaroni and cheese, saved from this summer, in the cupboard for later.)
currently watching:
season one of friends, as my boyfriend is out of the house (the only time when i can watch it).
currently occupying:
the couch, with my comforter, my pillow, my nasty green tea and the last roll of toilet paper (i have already blown my nose into all of the kleenex and napkins in the house)
currently NOT doing:
eating chocolate (why bother? can't. taste. anything.)
hiking with michael in the fresh pretty snow
preparing lessons for the new year.
currently anticipating:
the wonderful, glorious, orgasmic doctor's office, where he will prescribe for me wonderful, glorious, orgasmic antibiotics and various other things that will make this godforsaken sinus infection GET OUT OF MY FACE.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
commence selling soul to devil in exchange for TheraFlu
i cannot believe that i am THIS sick, AGAIN.
it started monday, with some sneezing. By wednesday i had that whole "oh GOD, everything HURTS" feeling going on. Now, day FIVE, when i should be feeling BETTER, i feel oh-so-much worse. Plus something weird is going on, which is that this cold-flu is making my teeth hurt.
ooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
oooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
it started monday, with some sneezing. By wednesday i had that whole "oh GOD, everything HURTS" feeling going on. Now, day FIVE, when i should be feeling BETTER, i feel oh-so-much worse. Plus something weird is going on, which is that this cold-flu is making my teeth hurt.
ooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
oooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Thursday, January 01, 2009
What with the calculations and all...
so. today, on this very first day of this very new year, Slovakia has switched to the Euro - being the sixteenth member of the EU to do so. We can still use our slovak korunas for two more weeks - but the change we will be given will be in Euro (which, by the way, IN europe is pronounced Ay-Ur-Oh).
Sigh. Magically and overnight, the money that i had in my bank account became euro. and More disturbingly, so did the credit on my phone.
Synopsis of The Phone Situation:
here, many people operate their phones on the credit system, and based on the cost of the call vs. the credit you have on your phone, that is how much time you get. Eg, it costs about 10 crowns a minute to call america (50 cents). It costs between 1.5 crowns to 9 crowns to send an sms. (although not to america, then it will cost 6 crowns and it will NEVER EVER CERTAINLY NOT EVER arrive. but it will still cost you.)
Joe just texted me to wish me healthiness, and after i texted him back, the little message for remaining credit popped up and told me that i had 1.22 EURO left. hmmmmmmmm. Last night i had 46 crowns (about 2 bucks). Now i have to reprogram my entire money calculations in my head! jeez.
Commence playing the world's saddest song on the world's tiniest violin for me.
Sigh. Magically and overnight, the money that i had in my bank account became euro. and More disturbingly, so did the credit on my phone.
Synopsis of The Phone Situation:
here, many people operate their phones on the credit system, and based on the cost of the call vs. the credit you have on your phone, that is how much time you get. Eg, it costs about 10 crowns a minute to call america (50 cents). It costs between 1.5 crowns to 9 crowns to send an sms. (although not to america, then it will cost 6 crowns and it will NEVER EVER CERTAINLY NOT EVER arrive. but it will still cost you.)
Joe just texted me to wish me healthiness, and after i texted him back, the little message for remaining credit popped up and told me that i had 1.22 EURO left. hmmmmmmmm. Last night i had 46 crowns (about 2 bucks). Now i have to reprogram my entire money calculations in my head! jeez.
Commence playing the world's saddest song on the world's tiniest violin for me.
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